There’s a ton of surplus HumVees and other military vehicles available for the civilian with a chunk of cash and the patience to get the permits to make it street-legal. That said, there’s still a huge stash of military vehicles that the American government has absolutely no plans on parting with, whether it’s because they’re still in use or because people just shouldn’t have access to them (who’s the government to decide our freedoms? Maybe when it’s an armored tank with an AK-47 attached, they just get to hog it--their call). And now, a glimpse of the forbidden fruit that also weighs tons.
10. Joint Light Tactical Vehicle
Military supplier and vehicle manufacturer OshKosh (like Osh Kosh Bagosh? What’s the link here? Time to dig up some dirt between the military provider and the children’s clothing line and figure it all out) just upgraded Joint Light Tactical Vehicles to make them “more lethal”; one of the many reasons there’s absolutely no auctions for the gigantic truck. Yup, there’s no amount of money you can pay to convince the government that this death machine is suited for American soil. It can roll down the streets of Baghdad, but you’ll have to wear fatigues to navigate that. Until then, there’s the off chance the upgrade inspires copycats.
9. M1 Abrams Tanks
Shockingly, the DMV has no registration or any form to do with tanks. But especially M1 Abram Tanks are so not on the list. That’s right- there’ll never be a dour-faced DMV clerk to tell you that your paperwork for your M1 Abram Tank is improperly filled out because that paperwork simply does not exist. Then again, imagine how much it would cost to replace one of these tires. Or an oil change? Good luck finding any mechanic who does that. That would be like asking a regular vet to perform surgery on your shark. But some people have pet sharks.
8. Bradley Fighting Vehicle
What’s the difference between a fighting vehicle and a tank? Well, when it comes to your ownership of them, they’re identical. Yup, we all can come together in our similarities because our differences aren’t nearly as huge. Because you can't get your hands on either. Of course this beige bad boy is rolling through the desert and otherwise enforcing democracy, but you’ll never get to sort-of fit one into your driveway, no matter how oversized. Yup, you’ll never get to parallel park a Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Sorry, dude. Better luck next time? Well, if you choose to bid on a different military vehicle than better luck. Or if these become legal.
7. M1127 Reconnaissance Vehicle
The M1127 Reconnaissance Vehicle is like the duck boat of military vehicles and much like a duck boat, you can never buy one. And unlike a duck boat, this one has guns attached. Probably a major reason you can’t buy one… Oh, you haven’t seen a duck boat? They’re an amphibian tourist trap and they’re amazing. There’s no auction pawning off these on to Americans with like… a lot of land? Or money? Or both? I know these aren’t delicate vehicles and they can for sure weather the rain but where do you even put this? Also, awkward if it doesn’t come with the user manual.
6. M1 Assault Breacher Vehicle
It absolutely should not come as a shock that there is no price tag on this freakish mixture of a tank and a bulldozer/dump truck kind of deal. Even if it has distant cousins that cost a reasonable amount. This looks like the garbage truck from some terrible alien world where the air is made of ammonia and the rain is knives. Or something like that. Yeah, no civilian can own or operate one of these and the American government doesn’t even want you to give them a number of what you’ll pay. Which is pretty crazy since those guys absolutely love money. Have you seen them with it? They’re nuts about the stuff.
5. M997A3 Ambulance
Boy oh boy, a military vehicle that’s not designed to be extra lethal or super duper deadly. Yup, an ambulance is the dustpan for the human detritus these other vehicles leave in their wake but you still can’t have it. Sorry, it’s not just the monster cars with guns attached that are prohibited. Probably because this guy is super wide and definitely can’t fit in the HOV lane. Either way, none are for sale so live out your weird ambulance dreams with… an abandoned ambulance? Truly can’t promise that you can buy one of those either but it’s more likely.
Can we all collectively imagine a vanity plate on the Flyer 60? Yes, it will never happen because the military isn’t quite that frivolous (although they definitely know how to blow through huge amounts of money) and once again, no civilian gets to make this their toy. So no bedazzled vanity plates and nothing to advertise your love of Elvis Presley or a sports team. That said, the idea of driving behind one of these and it uses numbers to spell out “N0 H8rs” would be truly memorable. Alas, another dream that can’t come true because this is a vehicle so not offered to the public.
3. Flyer 72
Flyer 72 is yet another vehicle that you’ll never get a car insurance quote on. And truly, so truly- I want to see that insurance quote. So it may hurt you to never buy one of these multi-person operated vehicles but it hurts me more. Because nothing would be a salve to my soul like a ginormous number with too many zeros for this thing to be street legal. Yeah, all of these vehicles are beige like the deserts they dominate. Also not a great color for a car but a flashy red tactical vehicle would be pretty messed up. Well, there's other fish in the sea.
2. Desert Patrol Vehicle
Does this one look like the most normal of all the vehicles? Normal meaning like a car you can drive down the street without everyone being afraid that martial law is breaking out. Even if it feels cool to be the harbinger of intensity, what a downer vibe to bring on everyone else’s day. Anyway, this kind of looks more like regular cars because it’s so low to the ground and not especially armored or covered. But it also looks like a mad insect about to eat every human. And the spare tire in the front is obviously weird and a lot like when cars have their trunks in the front of the car.
1. Amphibious Combat Vehicle
What I like about this vehicle is that even if you owned it (which no one would let you do because even the American government will not trade cold hard cash for this to be disposed of improperly in someone’s hands) is you’d probably also need to own a lake to really use it. You can’t take this military-grade ducky to the public lake. That will absolutely get complaints, from joggers and bird watchers and just everyone alike. Which, wow--what a reputation in your community. Yeah, this isn’t for sale and driving it absolutely seems like the kind of thing you need special training for.