We started out with a humble design that only came in black, and the foolish utterance of the famous Henry Ford is fabled to go something like this: “You can have it in whatever color you like, so long as it’s black.” A genius business tycoon, Mr. Ford seemed to be lacking a certain foresight that someone in his position should have been readily able to identify – people love personalization. They love to customize; they love to make their own; it just so happens, one of the most readily available platforms to express thyself is one’s personal automobile. We’ve had nearly a century of automotive manufacturing and consumer feedback to help designers stay trendy and keep up with the times; everything oscillates in phases like AC current. One decade, rounded, voluptuous body lines and long, elegant curvatures of the sheet metal are all the rage. Soon, this subsides to make room for boxy body styles with hardened features; soon enough however, we’ll be right back to our voluptuous curves again.
Since what’s in style changes so much, it might be safe to say it’s hard to stay ahead of the ever-changing curve. It’s easy to stay well established in the background and take safe bets, but creating a revolutionary design may not be so forgiving; and public opinion dominates all. Of the trend-setters that do take, they have opened the doorway to the next level so that others may follow. As for the numerous failures created throughout the years – ugly is a booboo a band aid can’t fix.
20 Rally Metro (No Hope)
The Geo Metro is doomed to grace the chapters of automotive history with a tarnished smudge where conventional economy was supposed to meet decency. Albeit the little three-cylinder wonder-car did do a fine job at doing what it was intended to do, it didn’t do much else but evoke emotions of destruction as many have turned their beater Geos into, well, beater Geos.
This is a car that you don’t sell when you’re done with; you take it out somewhere where you can drive the piss out of it until it’s reduced to a non-operable condition; then you light it on fire.
Well-worth the $138 Blue Book value because one: you don’t want to impose this sorry burden on anyone else, and two: haven’t we all just wanted to innocently light a car on fire at least once in our lives?
19 Pontiac Aztek (No Hope)
If there was one abomination worse than the Geo Metro, it’s one that isn’t fuel efficient, isn’t powerful, isn’t capable over anything much more than a sloping downgrade and isn’t going to earn you any points in the style department. The GM atrocity is an all-out foul in the automotive world and it looks as if it were designed to be hated. How could you put those angles next to those other angles and then add some of those other angles? Any way you look at it, even from the eyes of the ‘80s, its blindingly ugly on the outside and I can only imagine is just as unsatisfying to drive from the inside.
18 DMC Delorean (Has Hope)
Thoughts of the infamous Delorean bubble up images in our mind of a wild-eyed Christopher Lloyd babbling technical nonsense to a young Michael J. Fox as he tinkers with a myriad of projects, namely his time machine. If you’re drawing a blank on all of that, perhaps this car wouldn’t have half the sentimental value to you as it did for my childhood.
Either way, an unbiased and objective take on the DMC Delorean (if there ever was such a thing) would initially judge the squared-hatchback as unimpressive.
Imagine if it had not been clad in bare stainless? It would be just another ugly ‘80s car until you saw the gull-wing doors pivot up on their hinges (and no, they don’t make that noise when they do). Thanks to the unique finish, gull-wing doors, and legendary movie trilogy, the Delorean lives on affectionately in our hearts as Doc’s ever-faithful time machine.
17 Dirty 30 Prowler (No Hope)
Ok, for this one, rather than feature the painfully ugly Plymouth Prowler, I decided to share with you instead the mark that I believe the Prowler was hoping to hit. In an epic and embarrassing failure, the Prowler fell miles short of its mark. Ironically enough, the Dirty 30 was likely inspired by the Prowler in the first place. In production for only five years, the two-door roadster was a follow-up to the epic Dodge Viper (haha) but the only thing you can give the Prowler credit for is being on the forefront of the retro-styling era of the early 2000s. The ‘30s-inspired Prowler was basically a failed test probe that inspired someone else to do it right.
16 Ford Explorer (Has Hope)
The Ford Explorer is synonymous with a real tarnish on the company’s reputation that almost killed the public’s faith in the mid-size SUV altogether.
The truck has earned the nickname Exploder by many owners – you can decipher the root cause of that word choice on your own.
Either way, the mid-‘90s were rough for the poor little truck. A very redeeming quality however, is its off-road capabilities when fortified with a bit of battle armor. The Ford Explorer has a plethora of customization options that make for dirty crawlers as well as junkyard ornaments depending on your bias for or against them.
15 H2 Bugout Hummer (Has Hope)
Why does it come as no surprise that the AM General/GM H2 was either assembled locally or at the Kalingrad assembly plant in Russia? Big as it may be, the Hummer H2 has always been somewhat of a disappointment; having been built on GM’s GMT820 platform (the same one used for ’99-’06 full-size Chevy trucks), it never was able to live up to half of what its predecessor, the H1, was. Not that a HUMVEE’s shoes are easy to fill, but the H2 was basically a whispering echo of a Hummer riding on the coat-tail of a legend. As disappointing as they may be, it still makes a good SHTF rig if you don’t care about fuel economy in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
14 Drag SSR (Has Hope)
I’m very reluctant to give this one a designation of being a hopeful heap based on just about everything about it. For one, the name, SSR (or Super Sport Roadster) implies something of a connection to the original muscle car era where the Super Sport badge meant something; here it’s used as a marketing tactic.
Although not a horrible car, a 5.3L, 300hp V-8 muscle car from the 2000s bearing the Super Sport badge should do far better than a 5.7 second 0-60mph time, especially with bold styling like this.
Sure you can make them into super-fast dragsters, but you’re still left with a butt-hole ugly design wrapped around an abortion of a concept with disappointing functionality in every department. Has hope, but barely.
13 Chrysler Sebring (No Hope)
Writing this article is both difficult and a breeze at the very same time – on one hand it’s easy to bash on these dumps but that means I have to sit and think about them when I could be thinking about the sexy-smooth bodylines of the Koenigsegg Agera RS. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to be the one to put a stop-gap on this crap that automakers conceive. The Sebring, for example, always was a pile from the moment it rolled off the assembly line. Underpowered, ugly, dismal performance and low quality coupled together with the cancerous Dodge styling that infects some of their newer models gives the Sebring nothing to be excited about, except the day you sell it.
12 Cadillac Catera (No Hope)
Here’s one that should have been tied up in a burlap sack and thrown into the river at birth but no one seemed to have that depth of foresight. The internationally designed Opel Omega B was marketed by GM under the Cadillac brand as the Catera, and I’ve never been so disappointed by German engineering in my life.
First of all, it should have borne the GM nameplate at a maximum, this car has no business in a luxury market of any sort, save for say an impoverished, 3rd world nation.
The saddest part is the people who you see driving it – you know in the back of their mind they take some sort of comfort in the fact that they are in a “Cadillac.” You fools.
11 Dust Buster (No Hope)
Everyone has their share of shame in their past, acknowledged or otherwise; let’s face it, we all make mistakes. Automakers are no different, and just like the experimental college phase that you’ll never tell your parents about, there are many rolling atrocities roaming the roadways that should have never happened. The only difference here is you can’t hide a Ford Aerostar from your parents. With the cosmetic sex-appeal of a dust buster, it appears that just as much attention to detail went into the design; the only thing more pitiful than a bone-stock Aerostar is one that has visual embellishments to try and distract you from the rolling embarrassment.
10 Mustang II (Has Hope)
The late-‘70s were a confusing time for all of us who were alive. I personally wasn’t, but a brief look back at that era depicts a time when music was undergoing puberty, style was figuring out how long you could get away with bell-bottoms and sideburns and of course, the muscle car era was breathing it’s last raging breath of life as horsepower fizzled away into cheap plastics, smog pumps and more vacuum lines than Dyson. Changes were abreast and the legendary Mustang was not immune. A variant, the Mustang II, ushered in the ‘80s with what may have sounded like a good idea at the time, but didn’t have the wind in its sails to overcome a decade of drugs, sex, bad music and the EPA.
9 Subaru Ascent (No Hope)
I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction for an all-new Subaru that’s just barely been released into the market; the Ascent.
It’s a larger Subaru than you’re used to, and shares more in common with the failed Tribeca than any other model.
Subaru is now venturing its second attempt at capturing the minivan market; although it is highly favored, only time will tell how well the new minivan will fare. You can call it what you want, it’s a minivan and there’s no other way around it. It’s also ugly, and likely going to wear out those little flat motors before it does anything substantial.
8 Fiero Lamborghini Kit (No Hope)
Very proud, wild, fierce; the word "Fiero" translates into flattering adjectives but poorly into a Pontiac P-body platform. The first strike is actually not the Fiero’s fault; being conceptualized in the ‘80s didn’t do the doomed coupe any justice, but the rest of this sports car travesty could have been avoided. To compound the problem, someone thought it would be a good idea to use the Fiero as a platform for a kit car – a Lamborghini kit car no less! Alas, now you can turn your Fiero into something that looks like it should be the fastest thing on the street. The only thing this kit does well is promote Ferraris.
7 U.S.S. Enterprise (Has Hope)
What’s cooler than an LTD? Well, everything would be an honest answer. But the LTD deserves some accolades for its dues paid. Produced from ’64-’86, the LTD was one of the last great rear-wheel drives as automakers were focusing on the transition to smaller, front-engine, front-wheel drives.
It’s big, it’s fast and the trunk is big enough to pile bodies in (not that anyone should).
In its second life, the LTD finds itself the subject of an amateur racer’s idea of a battleship in the 24 Hours of LeMons. All said and done, despite the racecar lifestyle, the LTD had the potential to be really nice ‘old-people’ cars; and didn’t hesitate to put them in command of a big V-8 either.
6 Toyota Hilux (Has Hope)
If you’ve ever wondered why Toyota took so long to dominate a significant market share of the pickup truck consumer, maybe the reason is rooted in the company’s apprehension to grab the truck by the horns. The big three can sound intimidating, but truth be told, the older Toyota pickup truck is a legendary creation of simplicity, minimalism, and longevity. There was even a segment of a TV show dedicated to the attempted end of Toyota truck that just wouldn’t die. It was submerged, driven into countless obstacles and even placed on a structure as it was demolished. The truck’s weak spot seemed to have been its stuck-in-the-‘80s styling while other manufactures rushed to ‘modernize’ their designs.
5 Hudson Hornet (Has Hope)
The AMC Hornet got little love back in the day and was never able to climb out from the enormous shadow of Dodge, Ford and Chevy. Nonetheless, the Hornet was wonderful in its own right.
Not too terribly hard on the eyes if it has a nice coat of paint and a few cool mods.
By no stretch of the imagination should it be assumed that this was a high-output car off the assembly line, but the 5.9L 360cid V-8 with a four-speed manual can be fun in just about any car this size. Additionally, the sheer fact that it’s a 5.9L makes swapping engines and parts a breeze giving you an excellent platform for potential.
4 MC Hammered (Has Hope)
Just about everyone has seen the mail carrier and his trusty Jeep however, “I wish I had one of those” said no one, ever. The faithful carrier Jeep is one of the most humble, hardworking and underappreciated little trucks the world has ever seen. 800 starts and stops every 100 feet and lots of idling and low speed operation make for a tough life for an engine. When the first Jeep made its way to the LeMons races, the old powerplant simply would not do. A 302cid Ford V-8 was installed along with a 4Runner axle; most interestingly is the visual effect of the extended hood that had to be lengthened to allow the large engine to wedge itself between the frame rails.
3 Chromed Out Caliber (No Hope)
So we’ve seen a lot of ugly here. I feel like it’s time to bring something shiny to the table. Don’t get excited – by shiny I mean obnoxious chrome wheels on body styling ugly enough to make the car self-conscious.
You’d have thought by the late 2010s we’d already have grown out of bad body styling and have a better idea of what people like; either people like garbage or Dodge seldom hits the style target on the nose.
We know they can design killer cars too: the Viper, Ram, Challenger and Charger are just a few examples. If there was nothing exceptional about the car before, chrome rims are only going to make it worse.
2 Smart Monster (No Hope)
I’ve said it a million times if I’ve said it once; the Smart Car is a pile unlike any other pile ever to roll down a public road. The compact design and sacrificial tradeoff of style and class in exchange for ultimate efficiency is the 8th deadly sin. Sure you get like 500mpg but you look like a tool sitting straight up with your back against the rear hatch. You can put wheelie bars and a big block in it or pop the body off and put it on a lifted 4X4 chassis but you’re still sitting in a Smart Car.
1 PT Mudder (No Hope)
So you are thinking about lifting your PT Cruiser so you can romp in the mud with some 32s? First of all, you shouldn’t have a PT Cruiser in the first place; secondly, you should take a good, long look in the mirror and reflect upon your life.
I can’t picture the guy who walks onto a dealer lot looking for one of these, but they’re out there.
Style is subjective and the blank canvas that is your car speaks volumes about you. The occult PT Cruiser fanboy following seems to take pride in their ugly rides and there are subcultures of PT Cruiser themes from ‘40s Woodys to lowriders, and now, mudders.
Sources: twincitycruisers.weebly.com, caranddriver.com, motortrend.com, cardomain.com, hotrod.com.