Alright, fellas... it’s time to come clean and admit the terrible truth. Sometimes - not often - but sometimes, we make bad choices. I know, I know... it’s a shocking revelation to put out there, but it happens to each and every one of us sooner or later. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Sometimes, you choose the wrong girl. Sometimes, you turn down the right job. Sometimes, you wake up in a two-bit fleabag of a flophouse in Tijuana reeking of cheap mescal and covered in chicken feathers. We’ve all been there before, and in all likelihood, we’ll all be there again.
But I’m here to talk today about the most egregious sin any man can ever commit. I’m here to talk about making really, really, off-the-charts bad choices. I’m talking about guys who drive chick cars. Now there’s no need to cross your arms, puff out your chest, and declaim in a deep voice that you would never do such a thing. We’ve all done it. Sometimes, it just happens, and we're unfortunately stuck driving a chick car. I myself once spent a month driving a canary yellow VW Cabriolet for reasons I’d rather not divulge in a public forum such as this one. Here’s a pro tip, boys - if you’re gonna drive a canary yellow car, make it a Ferrari or a Lambo.
But I digress. Now, I know for a fact most of you have been caught committing the same crime, so to speak. And that’s OK - I won’t tell on you. But we do need to take a closer look at the “chickiest” of chick cars that men should never be caught dead driving. We owe it to future generations of our male driving brethren to steer them away (you see what I did there, right?) from suffering through the same embarrassments we have. With that in mind, here are the 15 chick cars men should never drive.
15 VW Cabriolet
OK, so let’s start with the car that's forever burned a mark of shame in my soul. The VW Cabriolet is just not a guy car - never has been, never will be. From the design, I don’t think VW even wanted any guys to buy this car; unless, of course, it was middle-aged dads buying it for their teenage daughters. This was the chick car to have (if you were a chick) back in the late ‘90s and early aughts. If you remember Lilith Fair, Alanis Morissette, and when Courtney Love was relevant, then you probably remember this car. In fact. I’m pretty sure the parking lots at any Lilith Fair stop were full of these babies. Even painting it jet black couldn’t save this car from eternal chickdom. Also, what the hell is a “Cabriolet”? It sounds like a figure-skating move.
14 The Prius
I know, I know... you’re getting a little bit older, settling into your first real job, your girlfriend is talking about marriage and maybe kids, and smart choices seem to rule the day for you. Plus, now that you’re all mature and respectable-like, you’re supposed to be concerned with the environment, with your carbon footprint, and with doing your part to keep the oil coming. All of those are smart, adult reasons to buy a Prius. But there’s one very good reason, better than any of those other ones, not to buy that Prius. Have you seen the thing? No seriously, have you really, really looked at one recently??? Those are not manly cars for manly men. Gimme a break - they’re practically chick clown cars. Women realtors, not guys, drive these cars.
13 Honda Del Sol
Guys, the first giveaway when purchasing a car that's going to be your primary vehicle for three to ten years is the model name. This is one of the reasons you need to stop ogling this particular model from Honda and go to the Ford dealer across the street. C’mon, the “Del Sol”? First of all, that’s just dumb, “carspeak” Spanish - you know, the kind of weird, made-up name manufacturers saddle their cars with. Second of all, “The Sun”? C’mon now... what man is gonna drive around in a car called "The Sun"? It sounds like something a woman should be driving on her way to the neighborhood fresh market to pick up some arugula or sh*t like that. Men should drive cars called “Volcano,” or “Snowcrash,” or “Desperado” (OK, maybe not that last one, unless you love The Eagles). Plus, this is one seriously chicky-looking car. If you don’t believe me, check out the color schemes Honda came up with.
12 Pontiac Sunfire
And here we have one of the classic, all-time chick convertibles. First of all, again with the name, am I right or am I right? “Sunfire” doesn't impress. In fact, it sounds like that horrible perfume your lady wore for a year back in college, doesn’t it? The stuff you kept telling her didn’t turn you on but she thought was “hot,” probably because it was named "Sunfire." This car is just like that - it’s not hot at all. In fact, it gives convertibles a bad name. It even somehow “looks” womanly, like it was designed by a bunch of sorority girls who drank too much Rumchata and decided to create a car that all of them could cram into and go to the beach in. Even its most popular color scheme - the classic fire-engine red - couldn’t save this car. It’s too red, actually. And too “round” And too “wavy.” Oh yeah... it’s also not a Corvette convertible. Bring me one of those in fire-engine red, and leave your Sunfire at home.
11 The Mini Cooper
So yeah, there was that pretty good movie way back in the day where Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron tooled around in next-generation Mini Coopers. It was a fun caper, but the whole point of that car in that movie was A) product placement and B) to show off Charlize Theron. Do you think Mark Wahlberg would be caught dead driving one of these in real life? Nah, me either. Mark Wahlberg probably tools around in a Formula One car, just because he can. In real life, the Mini Cooper is way too small and cutesy for any man to consider driving - unless, of course, the man in question is the type of guy who likes to wear backward berets, take pottery classes with his wife, and drink Bellinis…
10 The SmartCar
Here’s another ever-popular car that just screams “Chick Alert!” Now don’t get me wrong - I’m not opposed to good gas mileage, not at all. Gas is frigging expensive, even when it’s not, if you know what I mean, and anytime you can add mileage on to your vehicle’s performance, it’s a good thing. I’m also not opposed to making cars that are designed for a single person, not a whole family. But you don’t have to do it in some rinky-dink little toy car that looks like a six-year-old designed it to carry her stuffed animals in. I’m not even sure this car has four-cylinders (or three for that matter), and I’m afraid to look it up. This is clearly a car for single, city-living chicks who work in banks and share loft space with their dancer friend who's too cool to get her own car but always willing to borrow yours and leave it parked on empty six blocks away.
9 Volkswagen Beetle (“Bug”)
One of the things that happened when the Baby Boomers came of age (and into money) was that the car market exploded with all kinds of modern updates on retro vehicles. That wave of Mini Cooper sightings we were just talking about was part of that whole thing. So was Volkswagen’s reintroduction of the classic Beetle. But here’s the problem - the “Bug” came in a variety of colors that just screamed “this is Grandma’s car,” and the lines look exactly like the sort of non-threatening Peter Max style of design that low-level lady Apple executives go nuts for. C’mon, guys... this car even had a spot to put a vase of flowers on the dashboard! I ask you in all seriousness - have you ever seen a man driving a late-model VW Beetle, and if you have, did he look happy? That’s what I thought.
8 Dodge Neon
Alright, well it’s time for Dodge, that assumed eternal bastion of manly cars, to throw its contender for most chick-like car into the ring. I’m talking about the Dodge Neon, of course. Once again, the name should be a clear giveaway that something is rotten in Denmark. What self-respecting man would drive a car called a “Neon”? Would you drive a car called a “Tie-Dye” or a “Day-Glo”? I think not. So, don’t get behind the wheel of this horribly cutesy contraption either. On top of that, the Neon looks like a toy car with all of its curves and the way the grille almost looks like a face (“Ohhh, that’s so cute!!!”). And I’m not talking about a cool Hot Wheel named “Ice Destroyer” either. More like a Barbie car. Stay away, gentlemen.
7 Jeep Liberty
Jeeps are cool. Jeeps are for real men. Always have been, always will be. When I was in college I used a Grand Cherokee Chief that I loved. It was big, it was loud, and it was even a stick-shift, if you can believe it. Just climbing into that cab made me feel like I was off to cut down oak trees and wrestle Grizzly bears. But then, Jeep had to go and try and make a kinder, gentler version of their classic 4WDs. Why Jeep, why??? The Liberty looks like a Volvo station wagon and a Mazda CRV had too many Cosmos together one night at Chili’s and had an "oops" child nine months later (or however long it takes for cars to gestate…). Anyway, it’s not a guy’s car at all, not with all of those rounded curves and the almost sedan-like look. C’mon, Jeep... you’re better than this!
6 Volkswagen Eos
Now, don’t get me wrong - I like Volkswagen; I really do. I’ve actually owned a few Passats in my time, and they were solid sedans that gave some of the low-end Beamers and Audis a run for their money. But for all the great cars they produce, the designers and engineers at VW seem to be committed to producing an equal amount of clunkers - clunkers that flood the “ladies' market,” I might add. Yet one more horrible example of Volkswagen’s wayward ways is the Eos. First of all, as I have warned you many, many times, don’t fall for a car’s name. Did you know that Eos was the mythological Greek Goddess of the dawn? Neither did I. Do you really think that’s an appropriate name for a car any man would ever drive? Neither do I. Second of all… well, actually, let’s just stick with the first point.
5 Honda Fit
Here we have the Honda Fit, as in “it can fit three middle-aged divorcees on their way to a wine & cheese tasting where they hope to mingle with balding men wearing sweaters who work in accounting.” Look, guys... if you can’t keep your man card while driving around in a Prius, you sure aren’t going to be allowed to keep it if you’re spotted tooling around town in Honda’s weird imitation of one. The fit has some of the strangest lines on any car I’ve ever seen. It’s way too rounded and bulbous and looks like it can do 0-60 in about three days. I’m sure it has a fantastic braking system, high safety ratings, and incredible customer-satisfaction reviews. So does a Mercedes. Which would you rather be seen driving?
4 Kia Soul
It’s boxy. It’s named “Soul.” It comes in weird pastel colors or colors only a high school art teacher would appreciate. It looks like the kind of car that carries half a dozen cheerleaders in it with their windows rolled down while they scream along to “This is My Fight Song” at stoplights. OK, so that last part might not be the worst thing you guys can imagine, but being the driver of this monstrosity? No, thank you. So what if it’s “funky” and rated the best subcompact SUV by Car & Driver every freakin’ year? Any guy worth his salt can safely turn his back on the Kia Soul and check out the Jeep Renegade that just pulled up behind him. Trust me; you’ll like it a lot more. Plus, those hamsters, or whatever they were supposed to be, were just creepy.
3 Fiat 500
The Italians do a bunch of things right. Pasta. Wine. Desserts. Artwork. Soccer. They're even quite adept at creating some of the world’s greatest performance vehicles. I mean, if I gave you a choice right now between a top-of-the-line Corvette or a Lamborghini or Ferrari, which would you choose? That’s right; it would be no contest - sorry America. But sometimes, those selfsame Italians get a little carried away with their sportiness. A case in point would be the Fiat 500, a “mini” sports car that just screams “Chickmobile!” It’s simply not a man-sized car, and it doesn’t look like it either. Now, if you’re a fan of Fiat, you might know that Michael Schumacher has been known to drive one of these. Guess what? He’s Michael Schumacher - you’re not. Argument over.
2 Mazda Miata
Remember when Mazda tried to get into the sporty convertible game? You should since the Miata, which Mazda introduced way back in 1989, is the best-selling two-seater convertible the world has ever seen. That’s an awful lot of women buying this car. I say that because I refuse to believe that any guy would willingly buy one of these on his own. The early generations looked like something a well-to-do madam would drive on her way to check out her “girls.” Later iterations haven’t gotten much better, at least not from a guy’s point of view. The Miata was made to carry the ladies - it’s just that simple. Now, if your lady owns a Miata and she wants to drive you out to this little Bed & Breakfast she knows in wine country for a romantic weekend, by all means, put your Aviators on, hop in the passenger seat, and go. Just don’t drive.
1 Any Minivan
Guys, you don’t need a minivan to haul your sh*t around in, no matter what you might think. Since the rise of the minivan, auto manufacturers have been trying to appeal to the male driver: “Look, its got rear fold-away seats - they slide right into the floor itself!” “Look, it’s got swiveling Captain’s Chairs!” “Look, it’s got a kick-ass sound system, a 4.0L engine, and a sunroof!” Aahh… no. No, no, no, never, never, not. If you want a big, powerful car, get an F350, and drive over that minivan. You don’t have to fold down the rear seats to carry your sawhorses and hardhat - just slide them right in the truck bed. Minivans are for Soccer & Hockey Moms who have to carpool five sniveling kids covered in Cheetos dust and fighting over whether they're watching Disney Jr. or Nick Jr. on the satellite feed. They're not for the likes of you.
Sources: theclever.com, mensmagazine.com, therichest.com