For a race with the largest brains on this planet (as compared to our bodies), we certainly have no compunctions making war. Rarely has the human species ever been a peaceful one. We have fought for food, territory, the opposite sex, to protect, to defend and sometimes, for no reason at all. And despite all the advancements in science and technology and a planet fast going awry – we are only growing more violent. With rocks and stones having given way to weapons, the sheer audacity of some of the military vehicles is astounding.
These war machines may not look scary but can cut a swathe unlike anything else. But then again, they look so strange and otherworldly, that by looks alone they could scare just about no one. Here are the 15 strangest military vehicles to ever exist on the planet, though for the sake of humanity, we wish they didn’t.
15 Ekranoplan: The Russian Low-Flyer
What would you call a plane that flies on the water, or rather that flies low enough to skim the ocean, thus being undetectable by radar? When discovered by the US, it was dubbed the Caspian Sea Monster, later revealed by the Russians as the Ekranoplan. The biggest of these was 240-feet in length, and the wings were short, square and stubby. Scary, Nah! Probably why the Russians are still making them.
14 Boston Dynamics Big Dog: No Bones Needed
What do you think when you put Boston Dynamics, the robot-making company, and DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) together? Yup, a walking pack mule that’s so creepy, it will make you think you are in the twilight zone. The only thing, it isn’t scary at all, just an obedient pack mule that carries gear in tough terrain.
13 Humber Light Reconnaissance Car: Humber, Not Hummer
Imagine this tiny thing rolling next to you on the road. Scary? Not a bit, because the Humber Light Reconnaissance Car wasn’t meant to be particularly scary. Also called Humberettes and Ironsides, three thousand of these were made for the RAF between 1940 and 1943. Later three of these were also converted for use by the British Royal Family.
12 Simms Motor War Car: Umm, Say What?
If it looks like a car with sheet metal wrapped around it like a skirt, well, that’s exactly what this is. The Motor War Car, so born in 1889, was the first armored car ever made, by a man called Frederick Richard Simms. While it looks comic now, in 1889, we are pretty sure it scared people aplenty. 28-feet-long and 10-foot-high, its maximum speed was nine miles per hour.
11 VZ-9 Avrocar: The US UFO
Remember the spate of UFO sightings in the 60s? Well, a lot of them could be attributed to this wonder, which was technically supposed to replace the helicopter. Why didn’t it? Well, these were nigh well impossible to fly, or land, or maneuver or do anything a flying object is supposed to do. The VZ-9 Avrocar went belly up in 1961.
10 BA-64 Bobik: Not Hotwheels This
Honestly, this looks like something from my son’s extensive Hot Wheels collection – a tiny armored and be-gunned military vehicle toy. The Bobik, though, was all too real and one of Russia’s rather successful small armored cars. Used mainly for liaison and recon missions, it remained in service from the 1940s to the 1960s.
9 Ehrhardt E-V/4: An Off-Roading Disaster
Bulky? Check. Clumsy? Check. German? Check. Scary? Err, no. When the Germans wanted an armored car, they invited designs from Ehrhardt, Bussing, and Daimler. Ehrhardt won because it was already a weapons maker. The E-V/4 was none too stable off-roading but when the trail was okay, the going got good.
8 Standard Beaverette: Cutest Armored Vehicle Ever
No, this was no wood-chewing hardy creature, but simply a light-armored car of the British that debuted in 1940. Made by the Standard Motor Company, the idea was floated by Lord Beaverbrook, and rather persistently at that. Thus the name, Standard Beaverette. While this was more of a stopgap solution to the urgent need for military vehicles, they managed to work fine.
7 Tsar Tank: Far Too Big, Period
This contraption, which probably is at home in the next Mad Max movie, was named Tsar Tank because the Russian Tsar funded this madness. Some tens of millions of dollar equivalents went into making a single prototype in 1914 – and basically, it looks too much like a giant tricycle than a scary military tank.
6 Vespa 150 TAP: Right Between The Legs
The looks of this did not inspire fear, rather this could have the enemy rolling around in laughter. And yet, this has to be the deadliest scooter in the history of human warfare. Sadly though, you did not shoot it while sitting on it, rather the contraption came off and was mounted on a tripod. But this Bazooka scooter was a verified tank destroyer so used by the French army.
5 The Fox Armored Car: Cute But Deadly
While this may look small, the Fox armored car could seat four men – a commander, a gunner, a wireless operator, and the driver. So made for WWII, it went on to be used till the 70s, though this time by the Portuguese army they had been sold off to. While it was an effective military vehicle, the sight of it did not cause much fear.
4 ZIL-2906 and 4904 Screw-Drive Tanks: Corkscrew
The reason for this name is simple. Instead of wheels, this tank has a set of corkscrews under it, to be able to decimate any kind of road or track better. Though a ton of money was poured down the screw-tank drain by Russia, none of these tanks became viable enough to be mass-produced. The prototypes built now rest in museums.
3 The Krupp Kugelpanzer: The George Lucas Ode
The Nazi “Star Wars” tank was German-built and shipped off to Japanese-occupied China. From there, it was captured by the Russians who probably used for a game of hardball because, well, Russia. On display at the Kubinka Tank Museum in Moscow, this German attempt was more hilarious than scary, and a total disaster at that.
2 The Flying Bedstead: Could Not Take-Off, Or Land
Does this look like a mechanical spider to you? Unless you have arachnophobia which is a total and paralyzing fear of spiders, Spiderman included, then no – this is not something very scary. Especially when we tell you that this was the earliest attempt of a VTOL aircraft – one that could do vertical take-offs and landing. This one couldn’t even do that with stability.
1 Cybernetic Anthropomorphous Machine CAM: The Walking Truck
Before the Boston Dynamics Big Dog, came the GE-made CAM. Known as the Cybernetic Anthropomorphous Machine, the walking truck or the pedipulator – this was supposed to be used as a moonwalker as well. Sadly, it did not prove practical at the time as it needed an operator sitting inside, and had a top speed of five miles per hour.