There are random individuals in this world who exhibit seemingly insane traits that can cause the rest of us to lose sleep trying to make sense of their logic. We've all met them at one time or another. Some of us may have even married one like this. My advice: save your mental energy, folks! Such people are cut from a different cloth and have a different texture all together. The most you can hope for is that they have insurance to cover their psychotropic meds, which will surreptitiously cover up their strange behaviors from society. If they must live in the attic, so be it.
Here are 15 individuals who are potentially among the aforementioned type of people. Not much is known about them, such as where they came from and why they did what they did. The most we can really hope for is a psychological profile so that if we ever encounter them, we know how to help. The following 15 SUVs, though, the victims of the madmen, might be beyond help. In any case, we hope this compilation will help get the word out that abuse of motor vehicles is prevalent and should be stopped. If you know someone who belongs to this list, get him or her help ASAP!
15 Obsessive Police Harassment Complex
This disease is more common, though statistically, it's decreased some in the last few years. The individual creates an unhealthy obsession with police abuse and is classified as masochistic in his interactions with law enforcement officials. Many of these sufferers are known to speed past police, send threatening letters to the White House, or in this case, broadcast on the side of their vehicle a 9mm Beretta with a highly illegal Class 3 silencer attached. Many people take these people for stupid, and this is sometimes the case. However, more often than not, these individuals crave media attention for 4th amendment violations and have no fear of being beaten, stomped, or even killed by officials. They usually have nothing illegal in their vehicle, thereby leaving the officers perplexed and sometimes angry. They also usually seem to have white collar jobs and live in gated communities. The corollary isn't yet understood. The only known treatment option is a firm slap in the face followed by some tissues and a conversation.
14 Cinderella Complex
This disease is sometimes hard to diagnose due to the seemingly immature nature. The difference is the sufferers are all women, usually in their 30s or 40s and who have careers, financial stability, and almost never a boyfriend. Due to their feminine solitude, most of these sufferers have subconsciously retreated into a Disney-like reality and have a narcissistic obsession with being princesses. Symptoms are sometimes subtle, but in this case, the indications are very overt. The only way to treat it is one must have the appearance of a knight, a teapot, or a candlestick, among other related images. Once trust is gained, the patient should be encouraged to watch FOX news for 3 hours straight until one visually sees the child in them fade. Follow up with 2 weeks of Micheal Moore documentaries, and typically, the patient will balance out normally.
13 Front-to-Back Delusional Complex
This is what happens when a man is granted custody of his three kids and inherits the family van as well. The sheer insanity these children drive him to creates mad idiosyncrasies, usually manifested in the constant need to fix or build. Don't be alarmed—this disease affects over half the male population of the Earth. They're never dangerous, though, and only need direction in pragmatic repairs and upgrades. However, never leave them alone for more than a day or so, lest something like this case study will happen. Medicinal marijuana is recommended in applicable states—and Valium in others. The best therapy, though, is finding him a woman—fast.
12 Chronic Adult Maturity Developmental Complex
This picture alone is substantial evidence in a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation to send this owner to the puzzle box for many years, lest society be in the presence of this capricious strange creature or be assaulted visually by this LSD-inspired cartoon automobile. This can happen when men go too long without female company or female tutelage. For those of us who like to blow things up in the backyard, we understand that women save us from ourselves. Unfortunately for this individual, by this point, he's probably in the woods living off M.R.E.s and talking to Master Splinter like Luke did with Yoda. He may still have some semblance of reality, but beware approaching—tranquilizer darts are recommended. He may mistake you for Shredder—or even worse—a CBS executive coming with news your Teenage Mutant TV show has been canceled.
11 Acute Height Anxiety Complex
Beware, ladies and gentlemen. A man with a height complex will bring his whole life DOWN and you with it. These individuals can usually be seen under park benches, crawling on hands and knees, or in general, keeping low to the ground. They've usually spent years tormented by smaller people and always had an obsession with minimal height. Treatment usually involves a trip to Ukraine to desensitize the patient to tall people and, if possible, a lift kit for whatever vehicle they drive. This individual is in danger—a speed bump could mean death for him. They're usually non-violent, though, so the best way to approach is with a friend or a family member under 5'. There's hope! Don't give up!
10 Jack Sparrow/ Captain Morgan Complex
This is a rather rare disease with not much documented on it. What little is known is that the patient is always a mass consumer of Puertorican rum and usually talks like Johnny Depp. The onset can come on suddenly and is many times too quick to help. Early indicators are a keen interest in tales of the sea and using Caribbean slang. At the full onset, victims will lose the ability to differentiate between the sea and the road. They may also wear an eye patch without any eye injury whatsoever. The best way to approach is cautiously and saying loudly, "May I board?" Remember to talk in a somber tone, and if necessary, to get them to treatment, claim there's a British ship with lots of gold 30 knots east.
9 Bruce Wayne Syndrome
Does your loved one disappear at strange hours of the night, only to return rambling about Jokers, penguins, and men with two faces? Does he or she exhibit an affinity for bats and dark apparel? Does he or she completely alter the family vehicle to have the appearance of the Dark Knight's automobile? Has he or she been restricted from coming into the police station ever again due to excessive ranting and demanding to see Commissioner Gordon? Your loved one might be suffering from this debilitating disease that affects 1 in 5 men and 1 in 40 females. No known effective treatment exists; however, daily doses of D.C. comic books depicting the Dark Night in normal everyday situations is the preferred treatment option by most therapists. For some reason, the tone of Al Gore's voice seems to have a positive effect on these patients, but too much could cause a relapse.
8 Acute Shopping Paralysis
This is a very rare disease usually affecting single female shopaholics who also happen to have an interest or profession in mechanics. This case study is a rare example but, despite the sponsorship from the grocery chain, is still symptomatic. Other sufferers have been known to build coupon-dispensing devices on their belts and to camp outside of stores the night before a big sale is taking place. Some have used welding torches to connect shopping baskets, and others have mortgaged their homes in the pursuit of bargains.
There are good treatment options available. One is a copy of Das Kapital by Marx, and another is placement in a hippie commune to teach patients the intrinsic value of themselves and the excessive nature of corporate advertising. Again, THC therapy is very successful in applicable states. For the rest, just hide their tools and credit cards, and after three days of withdrawal symptoms, they should be ok.
7 Rollover Complex
Some people suffer from a self-destructive disease that impels them to roll over in their vehicle. These people are usually found in ATVs and other off-road vehicles and occasionally construct vehicles like this. The cause isn't yet fully understood, but most therapists believe pure stupidity is a factor. Possible paint-chip eating could be a factor as well. Most sufferers are males who are in their late 20s and have an affinity for cheap beer and conservative politicians. They also lack the ability to decipher right and wrong at times, which leads them to horrible decision making in life and politics.
In this case study, the individual has altered his vehicle to make a roll-over a high possibility. Methods of treatment include driver-license restriction and a few slaps to the face. Steer clear of these individuals on the road—they have a propensity to cause accidents.
6 Bourgeoisie Delusional Disorder
This disease is prevalent in men under 25 and affects the frontal cortex of the brain that helps make good decisions. These individuals usually have an obsession with highly expensive material things yet rarely have the wherewithal to obtain them. Some of these individuals can be seen slapping Bentley logos on their Saturns or, as in this case, a Rolls-Royce front clip on a Chevy truck. These individuals are also known to purchase counterfeit sunglasses and watches. They often wear gas-station jewelry and constantly talk about the greatness of their humility (seeing as they claim to have "offshore accounts"). There's no cure for these individuals. When you encounter them, run as fast as you can. And sterilize them, if possible, to prevent the human race from devolving.
5 Advanced Hippie/ Compensation Syndrome
Many who live the "hippie" lifestyle are known to be peaceful and docile and to sing Neil Young songs till the early morning. However, a select few are known to suffer from a masculine complex: an overwhelming and capricious expression of manhood. Has your friend's flower-laden acoustic guitar suddenly smashed on the ground after a Bob Dylan song? Does he start a pitbull fighting league at the commune? Does he jack up his beloved "love-mobile" and turn it into a monster truck? Then, he probably suffers from this disease. It's very treatable, though, usually by stopping the patient's regimen of hallucinogenic drugs and taking a break from 1960s progressive music. In this case, studies have shown THC therapy to exacerbate the symptoms. When sober, the patient should listen to Rush Limbaugh for 20 minutes daily until all spiritual notions are gone.
4 Native Nomad Personality Type
Many people think their ancestors were nomads, roaming the vast expanse of the open west, constructing animal traps utilizing the bones of bison, building wagon wheels out of old oak kegs, and designing WiFi routers out of peyote and mushrooms. Either way, they get a big nod from history for utilizing the whole cerebral cortex of their minds in the pursuit of subtle comforts. However, in our modern society, we so sparingly give accolades that these people are scorned and ridiculed for their seemingly unusual behavior. Sometimes, the villagers will chase them with torches and picks. Occasionally, though, they'll be recruited by the intelligence community or cast in a hit TV show like Macgyver. This is technically not considered a disease, however, and the best thing for these people to do is retreat to their own land, away from government interference. Yes, the Native Americans tried it, but surely, you can trust your government, right?
3 Just Plain Stupid
Well, ladies and gentlemen... we're going to put away the D.S.M., take away all the psychiatric jargon, and get to the heart of the matter. This person is an idiot—no disease, no illness—just plain stupid. Nothing you can do will help him. Consider forced institutionalization if you can bear to watch the abuse mental health staff will receive when you cage something as incredibly stupid as this animal of a man. He may go straight primal and start wearing sneakers that light up or obtain some counterfeit Oakley sunglasses. Individuals suffering from this condition are known to be responsible for dictator-like leaders of the free world coming to power. Some theorists believe it's a fluoride reaction in the pineal gland, while others believe it's the result of preservatives from Ding-Dong snack cakes. Either way, God help us all until we find a way to cure them!
2 No Insurance, No Problem Type 2
This disease has become more prevalent as more insurance companies grow stronger in greed and politics. Some people refuse to file a claim, lest the bastards steal more than they already have. Simple duct tape-like construction offers them peace of mind that they've fixed the problem and didn't get beat out of any money. These people are usually harassed in gated communities and around the well-to-do. They usually won't be seen with people of their type, though, because they view them as the enemy. Usually, however, they're very kind people who don't enjoy being shoveled $%^& by big corporations. These are the individuals who make customer representatives feel bad about themselves after receiving a verbal lashing. Live on, you rebels! Stick it to them! They're the problem, not you!
What happens when you take a man's truck and stick him in a minivan? Or take his tools away and leave him with your makeup utensils, ladies? Take away his beer, and leave your wine-coolers in the fridge. Ladies, you're responsible, not them! This is the male gender, affected by testosterone reactions to emasculating circumstances. It's believed the ancient Vikings would beat a bear to death with their bare hands when women make them give up pillaging to focus on their relationship. This is part of our human condition, and ladies, it's better to acknowledge what you can't change so you can help. Many early signs are old western marathon watching and the irresponsible purchasing of firearms. If the D.E.A. becomes involved, just refer them to the second amendment 'cause they always listen to that. If they start listening to Johnny Cash, get a court order for commitment, and pra,y sister! Pray!
Sources: Google Images