Occasionally, in life, a man finds himself around people of a different genetic strain, where the gene pool has been compromised by Darwinistic inadequacies that have somehow survived over multiple generations. No one knows for sure where their origin is; one can only offer conjecture. Perhaps these people adapted to their environment by warning off predators using pure imbecility. Like opossums playing dead so an animal predator looks elsewhere for fresh prey, they adapted traits of stupidity as to avert predators to their tainted flesh.
In more modern times, these people are known for their incredibly stupid behavior, such as blowing vape clouds, watching reality TV shows religiously, or spending an incredible amount of time altering a minivan. Many of these people are somewhat feral and may attack you if you're perceived as intruding into their territory. They usually subsist on a diet of Spam and Diet Coke but have been known to occasionally go cannibal. Many, interestingly enough, find themselves in positions of great power in Washington D.C.
What follows are 20 examples of these creatures' automobiles, a glimpse into a depraved Kallikak mind destined for stupidity. Some historians believe they came from a little-known island in the Caucasus region called "Dementidago," where the small population survived by eating their own fingernails and selling software secrets to foreign governments. History aside, these vehicles represent exactly the feebleness of the drivers' minds and the consequences of not paying attention in sex-ed class.
18 A Hippo? Really?
Holy hell. This is probably the most nauseating vehicle I've ever laid eyes on. The amount of time invested in this manifestation is astounding. How many of their loved ones (if any exist) tried to stop this mad project before its completion?
This is an embarrassment that'll echo multiple generations into the future.
You're a sick and twisted human being. You need an exorcism, a bible, and some good old-fashioned hard-knocks love. For the sake of humanity, get this the hell off the road and into your nearest body of water.
17 Who's Really The Joker Here?
Allow me a few moments to gather my bearings, sip some water, and take a few breaths before I begin. Well, people, this one is it, the creme de la creme of bad mods. This one is a sheer pain in the pineal gland in the human brain that upsets your circadian rhythm. This is the stuff that support groups and whiskey are made for. This one is proof that humanity is on its way out and that there's not much we can do to stop it. Our only hope is that we run out of oil one day and are forced to be normal human beings and walk or ride horses to the 7-11s from there on out. Wouldn't be so comfortable, but this, people, is the alternative right here. This pure madness of the human animal that makes all the other species laugh at us when we say we're superior to them all.
16 Super Stupid Stretch Garbage
There has been an ongoing theory that society's water supply is poisoned with fluoride to block self-awareness. If true, it seems this individual has been eating tubes of toothpaste for dessert.
Seeing this debauchery makes me want to dust off my old bible and say a prayer for this man.
The other part of me wants to make a Voodoo doll out of him and put cigarettes out on his backside. Either way, it's grotesque and disgusting and guaranteed to get this man at least 100 or more rebirths in negative karma—not to mention rebirths in the insect variety of animal.
You ever wonder what happened to all those hippie Star Wars fans from the late '70s? Me neither. However, it seems they're still out there lurking about. Perhaps, we were right in our assumption that they'd reproduce, and consequentially, this is what happens. The same thing happened when Legend of Zelda came out in the '80s.
It's a phenomenon where some segment of pop culture completely absorbs someone's personality into it, making him barely functional for basic human needs. All that aside, this van is ugly as hell, and its extra axle makes it clear that it's trying hard to be ugly. Where's a Jedi when you need one to cut something to shreds with a lightsaber?
What's a surefire way to ensure you never have children or contract any of those heinous venereal diseases your P.E. coach taught you about in 8th grade? Well, just drive this car, and you're 100 percent safe, my friend. Never worry about relationship stress ever again either.
Tired of motorists riding your tail in traffic? Well, not with this car. They'll all be so creeped out by your topless soccer-mom mutant van that most people will steer clear of you in general—except the police, that is, because they'll assume you partake in mind-altering substances.
13 End Times... For His Manhood
"And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder, and one of the four beasts saying, come and see, and I saw and behold a white horse, and written upon him was death and hell followed with him." Cash in your stocks, quit your job, go to confession, and go ahead and make a move on your house cleaner, ladies and gentlemen—the Apocalypse is here. We should've listened to all those annoying men on the streets with cardboard signs, we should've sent more money to Joel Osteen, and we should've all voted Independent. Yes, the chickens are coming home to roost. Don't be confused that the harbinger of destruction is in a white minivan with pre-school-level artistic ability artwork on the side. Jesus wore sandals, remember?
12 Paint-Chips Side Effect
Oh Lord... help me, Father... this individual is testing the very limits of what's considered rational. With a slight knowledge in paper mache and an unrefined taste of a landfill dweller, this individual has succeeded in expanding the very definition of "stupid."
The best thing that could happen to this vehicle is a small fire that burns it to the ground overnight or a massive flood that carries it away into the depths of the ocean like waste matter down the drain. Perhaps, its owner needs to go with it, seeing as he brought this devastation upon our sights.
Well, the fact that someone actually did all this to this van proves humanity has a long way to go. I'm going to have to assume this individual is a loyal customer of the brand he advertises on his rear plate—perhaps a little too loyal, if you know what I mean.
At least there are tinted windows, so if uncle Roy has to drive you around, your popularity rating won't plummet. The good news is that an individual like this is unlikely to reproduce. To the scrap yard with this eyesore, straight to the compactor—and pronto! If you're the owner of this vehicle, please seek help for your issues, as you're hurting others around you!
10 Sweet Ride, Braaa!
"Nice wheels, G!" That's what imbecile 1 says to imbecile 2. These people naturally magnetize to one another and give reassurances that they have not made a grave mistake and wasted large amounts of money on their customization. They usually have a wardrobe of nothing but slogan T-shirts and tend to live with their mothers.
Occasionally, they'll make a successful career as a fast food sanitation expert or excel as a telemarketer. This van sucks, and you, the owner, suck at being alive. This is an egregious waste of metal, paint, and you, sir, are a waste of a social security number. May you be placed on a watchlist and disappear into a C.I.A. black site, never to be heard from again.
9 Dunce Cap
Let's all take a moment and pray that this van finds itself passing under a low, underestimated overpass. What's cheaper than an RV? A stupid cheap tent that pops up from your modernized Beverly hillbilly-mobile.
Good thing there's a fire extinguisher handy, seeing as that the sight of it even makes me want to watch it burn.
It sure would suck if you were sleeping up in your dud house and there was a collision with your van. Yeah, a pretty bad morning that would be, Mr. Rocket Scientist. Middle-class suburbanite idiosyncrasies. To the salvage yard with you!
8 What Was This Person On?
What's a good way to make your un-masculine vehicle that's in disrepair look even more atrocious? Paint infantile objects from the Teletubby dimension on the side of it! People like this are responsible for the "hug bear" being passed around in classrooms and bullying intervention meetings when Billy gets hit in the cheek with a spitball.
I say, go drive out into a high crime neighborhood, and leave this thing running while you go buy your organic potato chips and vape-refill cartridge from a 7-11. Nature has a way of fixing things it deems unnatural.
Well well well... someone tried to prove to all those guys laughing at his van that he's a macho man. It's convenient it's already in the woods, so when it tips over from an off-centered balance, you can just leave it there and walk away. No, you won't do that, will you? You'll drive this thing until you turn 19 and upgrade to a Miata with a lift kit. Sorry, you didn't have any male role models as a child, but do all of us on the public road system have to suffer as well with you? Oh, look... it even has a trailer hitch so he can instantaneously destroy the Astro Van transmission that was never designed to haul like a truck. Leave it in neutral on a steep embankment, walk away, and turn a new page, son.
6 Cuttin' Grass and Pride
Have you ever seen someone's vehicle and known that he'd have a "Slap Me" face based on his car? Well, if someone ever had a hand-palm magnet built into it, it was this man. His own personalized hell for this unforgivable sin of an automobile he's created is to be hit with a weed wacker on the $#@ while driving a neon-pink moped.
Take your compensatory behavior and manifest it into your backyard work, sir! Cut grass, not chassis. Whack weeds, not suspensions. Trim bushes, not your self-esteem. This thing needs a date with the smasher. Scrap metal on four wheels here!
5 Say Cheese!
Ever wonder what a stale Cheeto looks like after it leaves your body? This is the most nausea-inducing 3,000 lb ton of crap on four wheels. This cum laude of idiocy also felt that some shiny sleek rims would offset the bad decision up top. Nope. Still all crap.
Like a block of moldy cheddar lurking around the street corner ready to assault you with odors that remind you of socks from your high-school days. Please, Mr. Orange Mini-Van Guy, can you pour 5 gallons of gasoline around the exterior of this thing, 5 more gallons on the interior, and throw a lit Zippo inside? I don't feel that that's asking too much at all.
4 Vincent Van Gogh... To The Scrap Yard
This one, ladies and gentlemen, is so absurd and asinine that it's hard to begin in one place. Perhaps, it's a self-explanatory pile of %$#@, that's a prima facie case of pure garbage. Latin aside, let's gets down to brass tacks.
The slogan itself is a play on a famous artist that would experience existential depression at the very appearance of this travesty.
Van Gogh once said, Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much, performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well. This van is proof that these words are wrong. Stick this thing in an artsy museum for hippie burnouts, charge 100 bucks for admission, and send all proceeds to this man's psychiatrist.
3 I Got Fast Car, Go Vroom!
What happens when a "challenged" man decides, one day, that he wants a race car and that he also wants a truck? He does what General Motors did with the El Camino and makes an El Cochino Grande. Hey, why not put a Ghost Rider-like cartoon image along the side, just to make sure people know you're a complete putz. Not sure how much you spent from your mom's social-security-funded checking account, but you should really take a self-inventory with this one. Better yet, just stop being a moron. No one cares about your stupid minivan; it's disgusting to look at, and the only women who'll be drawn to it are the ones who used to hang out with the football team after the game. GROW UP and GROW A PAIR!
2 What's Black And White And Stupid All Over?
Briefcases are for businessmen, fedoras for players, Swiss accounts for politicians, and racing stripes for race cars. I'm sorry your wife has emasculated you to the point of this level of desperation—truly I am. However, it's intervention time. I'm taking your car keys and driving straight to MAACO. Couldn't you have just gone out and bought another gun or maybe a fishing pole?
Just because you're a stay-at-home dad doesn't make you less of a man, sir, but these racing stripes absolutely do.
You're trying too hard, and it shows really bad. Go get some stallion pills from the corner store, drink a few glasses of whiskey before she comes home, and remind her of why she married you in the first place. Trust me—the next morning, she'll buy you that old Fastback you've always wanted.
1 Look! It's a Bird! No... It's A Plane, It's... Garbage!
Who in their right mind ever would've guessed that Clark Kent drove a &^%%#@ silver eyesore from Krypton? Well, apparently, he does, if we're to believe the logo this special individual plastered on the grille of this visual discomfort.
Shaq did this one to us, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, "Shaq attack" has a different meaning now. Interestingly, he owns many, many customized cars that look like they belong in a Fast and Furious support-group parking lot. Shaq, please quit doing these things. Your skill is unrivaled on the court, but your tastes in automobile customization suck utterly and completely.