She roars to life with the turn of a key. This graceful dragon of an automobile is large, exquisite, and powerful. The hood alone feels like maneuvering a 747 onto its runway. The Cadillac is a presence to be acknowledged by anyone around to acknowledge it. Not for every man, it takes a certain character type to drive a Cadillac; the man must make the car, not the other way around.
It's the preferred traveling method for mobsters, businessmen, politicians, and CIA agents, as just like them, the car is a force to be reckoned with. Whether it was Henry Hill driving his Coupe de Ville around town being followed by police choppers or John Gotti's funeral procession of countless Cadillacs, it's a standard of luxury and class only chosen by men of a certain caliber.
This is why the following list makes me semi-nauseated even to write. The ones responsible for the entries are depraved human beings—Philistines, if you want to take it biblically. Underappreciated and mutilated, these Cadillacs were modded by owners who had no clue what they had. Take a stiff drink, and prepare yourself for 19 Cadillacs that were done wrong!
19 2002 Cadillac Escalade
Hey, here's an idea from the brain-damaged mind of an adolescent personality: put screens everywhere—steering wheel, dash, visors, backseat, etc. Why? So you can be cool! You spent thousands of dollars to say you have the most TV screens in your Escalade. Men like this are the ones who start with a small tattoo on their arm and end up looking like Mike Tyson before it's said and done. Usually, they live with their mothers, and they secretly listen to The Backstreet Boys when driving alone—and they drive alone a lot, unless, of course, they meet a troubled female with friends who run a chop-shop. Then, she'll ride with him for a spell.
Drive on, Malibu's most wanted. With your Bubba Sparx on the radio, and your vape blowing in the wind. Drive on...
18 '94 Cadillac Cheeto
You're stupid—that's all I can say to you, sir. You took the worst color one could think of and slapped it on one of the most beautiful cars created. Why, dear God? Why? This thing looks like it'll leave cheese dust on your fingers after a trip around town. At least it's very visible at night with its caution-orange paint screaming at everyone on the road! No tail lights necessary! Please get into a program soon; the mind-altering substances are affecting others around you, too. Hey, here's an idea: MAACO, or better yet, a can of black spray paint and some tape. Anything would look better than this Chester Cheetah mobile from a dimension where people still do the Safety Dance and where tight shorts on a man are hip. Thumbs down, you clown!
17 Shaking My Head
Oh, if only they could be abducted in the middle of the night and taken to Guantanamo Bay to be waterboarded until they come to their senses. This is America, however; we don't do that kind of stuff!
Turning a Cadillac into a swimming pool seems cool, but here's an alternative: actually drive the damn thing.
I'm all for creativity but not with a masterpiece of Detroit big-block engineering. Where were their wives in all this? Where was the rational person of the opposite gender to stop this travesty? There probably wasn't one, and who can blame them for leaving when this is what you deal with on a daily? I hope it mistakenly gets towed (while you're in it). Thumbs down, guys. Leave the modifications to the big boys from now on.
16 Who You Gonna Call? Nobody. You Have No Friends!
I get it. I liked the movie as well. Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd are undisputed cinematic experts, and driving this thing would be fun (for a day or so). Then, the realization will set in that you're stuck driving Ecto-1 and will appear to be a man-child to anyone you meet in your daily interactions. That's okay, though, because there aren't very many people you'll interact with anyway. I wonder if this individual understands that it was just a movie—that you can't really trap ghosts for the mayor of New York, and that the Stay Puft Marshmallow man isn't going to terrorize Manhattan. Don't cross the streams, Skippy! Quit writing Sigourney Weaver love letters before she turns into Zuul! Matter of fact, go watch the most recent Ghostbusters film starring Mellisa McCarthy so your dreams will die and so you'll move on in life!
15 Rain and Speed Bumps, Beware!
This thing is a disaster—no convertible cover top and lowered down to the point where a speed bump would tear the chassis off of this thing. Here's another stupid idea: remove all the chrome paneling so the thing looks like a stray onyx horse with an open wound on its back. I'm a firm believer in "to each his own," but that also means I can have my own opinion.
This is a waste of a vintage classic due to the unrefined taste of a boy who hasn't become a man yet. It's pure disrespect to what the '60s-era Cadillac was.
Please drive this thing into a small lake at your earliest convenience. Or donate this to the Museum of Fine Automotive Garbage and get a tax write-off.
14 What Is This?
What's better than 4 wheels? Well, 6 of course! And how about 6 extra exhaust pipes, too? Yes! Excellent. You did a fantastic job of destroying this classic machine and of making it look as if it were born in Chernobyl. Get this regurgitated eyesore of symbolic disrespect to Detroit off the roads! Go buy a Smart car, smart guy, and let the world know exactly the type of man you are—a very small one for doing this to a Cadillac, you vermin! When someone you know does something as stupid as this, you block his phone number, un-friend him on Facebook, and report him to the NSA for being "un-American." When you build an automobile that has a stark similarity to a woman's red pump, you've lost all the respect of anyone in the automotive community. Fortunately for you, the Spanish Inquisition is over; otherwise, you'd be burned at the stake for this witchcraft, sir.
13 A Dark Spectre Haunts These Streets
Like the label on top of the windshield so proudly proclaims, this thing is a ghost that scares people who see it. It hovers on local streets and highways, creating nauseating and sometimes visually debilitating pain only cured with some reefer and B.B. King. One can't try to comprehend the thought processes of a diseased animal such as this, lest you have an aneurysm or a panic attack in the process.
What better way to make an Escalade look like poor dog excrement than to add extra wheels on it like an 18-wheeler?
Leave this at the local junkyard, take your 400 bucks, and walk away with a new page on life. Or at least you can pretend this never happened and pick up the pieces of your life. Get this thing to a junkyard! Pronto!
12 Knockin' on Heaven's Door, Off-Road
What happens when an undertaker has an LSD habit? That's right—this piece of garbage you see right now. God forbid the hearse has trouble making it over the 2" tall grass despite the factory 400+ hp it holds. Don't forget the ramp you need to get the coffin into the back that's 4' off the ground. Matter of fact, why even bother with all that? Just cancel the funeral and run over the coffin, Grave Digger style, sell hot dogs and beer to spectators, and help them go out with a bang! This car is best left in ashes to ashes and dust to dust. May this beast die an agonizingly prolonged and excruciating death. May it rest somewhere in pieces, buried separately, and may it be forgotten in the past where humanity's other mistakes, like flip spinners and Bruce Jenner, should stay.
11 Slap Yourself, Sir
Wow! Doors are cool. They open and close and stuff. So, wouldn't it be cool to have them open in all types of unnatural selection-type methods? NO! No, it's not cool. It's stupid stupid stupid. You've disgraced yourself and the '95 DeVille that suffered from your idiocy in this endeavor. You're the generational by-product of a paint-chip eating tradition in your family. Your car belongs in the Hall of Fame for what NOT to do to a Cadillac. Karmic law will get you for this one, buddy—remember that when it happens. You need to be locked away in a Walmart (seeing as that's your fashion choice) and forced to live off the food available in the pet department, you animal. THUMBS DOWN!
10 Air Stream RV Camper
Making a Cadillac appear like a vintage Air Stream RV camper is a good idea—if you acquired rabies from a wild raccoon outside your camper. You know what, ladies and gentlemen, show this picture to your children when they reach a certain age as an example of something not to do as an adult, lest they be disowned by you. Let Cub Scout leaders everywhere come to see this travesty of transport to earn one of their patches. Take it to local schools during your drug education or sex ed classes, and teach them why some people shouldn't reproduce. Why? WHY? That's the only thing I want to ask the owner. I'm sure the owners gave some seemingly rational justification for this monstrosity. But remember, they have rabies, so...
9 Technicolor Dream Coat of #@%&
What has four wheels, hurts to look at, and looks like Puff the Magic Dragon threw up all over it? Yup, this car right here. It wouldn't be so bad if it were a fine rug from Morocco— no, actually, it would still suck pretty bad. I can't think of anything this thing could be that wouldn't completely and utterly suck incredibly. Unfortunately, people, this is actually a Cadillac, and it looks like a bad mushroom trip has been plastered all over this thing, inside and out. Like the bearded lady at the local carnivals in days of old, this thing surely brings spectators from near and far to see the absurdity of it all. Like our last presidential election, it's a massive train wreck that you can't help but stare at.
8 Rocket Boy Ain't Fly
Door handles are unnecessary. So are vehicle tops, height clearance, and even license plates. When a pothole has the ability to change your world, you know you were born special, and surely, everyone has told you that your whole life. They lied, though. They were actually saying you were stupid. You sir, are an imbecile—worse than that, an imbecile with horrible taste and financing to create automotive eyesores.
Get this thing off the road before someone turns it into an insurance claim with a gas can and a Zippo.
It's disgusting to look at and a waste of an otherwise beautiful automobile. THUMBS DOWN, poster child for midlife crisis victims with dementia! Take this thing to a GOP fundraising convention, and get it away from us non-reptilian humans.
7 Is this from Star Trek?
Oh, you idiot. You wanted to explore the galaxy your whole life, and you even made a damn car that looks like a transport ship from Star Trek. Wow! You're surely gonna be cool now! Well, you're not exploring the galaxy; you're driving—on what's called a "road" that automobiles are designed to roll over, you putz! This is Commander Gaucho of the Klingon Empire. Dock your transport vessel, or we'll fire torpedoes. If I was a betting man (and I am), I would bet this guy is 40 years old and has never been laid (I'm referring to the flower necklaces they give you in Hawaii, of course). The owner's transporting the dead body of his self-respect or his pride, undoubtedly. Fire torpedoes and ray cannons, and shoot this thing with all the bullets you have. Then, throw the gun at it.
6 The Poor "Lost Souls"
Oh yeah... we can tell you guys are lost alright—lost your way in life, lost your friends, lost your girlfriends, lost your pride, and lost your damn minds. What's better than restoring a hearse and driving around creeping people out? Put a scary-looking head in the back and paint wicked dark artwork all over the damn thing. These are the same people who purvey adult films of the "necro" category and paint black tears under their eyes. You know they're coming when you hear Marilyn Manson music or when you see the blinding paleness of their fair skin from afar. Don't use this thing to carry a coffin to the grave site. Instead, use a tow truck to carry this thing to its grave, i.e the junkyard. For shame, for shame.
5 No Night-time Driver
Well, this guy gets the award for uncanny idiocy in a vehicle modification. What's a great idea if you're a severely IQ-deficient human being with poor tastes? Eliminate the headlights from your custom ride and paint it a disgusting rust color only a post-apocalyptic world could accept, much less appreciate. However, in the world of radiation fallout and ever-present darkness, you'll be screwed because you removed the headlights from your vehicle, you evolutionary problem for humanity! No! It's not okay to pour coconut rum in your breakfast cereal, and it's not okay to do this stupid thing to an otherwise beautiful Cadillac. Mark this car for a date with the compactor at the landfill, get what you can for scrap metal, and move on—if you can, after this disaster.
4 Barbecue Biarritz
What's even better than two extra axles on a Biarritz? A damn barbecue pit that comes out from under the hood, of course! If you're a frickin' moron, that is. These are the type of people they make the warning labels for that we all laugh at: Drain-o bottle (do not drink!) and electronics (do not use in water!). Hey, while you're doing moronic things, add a stupid umbrella in the back, and you have a mobile-BBQ, vomit-inducing eyesore setup that'll get you made fun of for the rest of your life! Good job on ruining your chances of ever finding a wife as well! But that's okay, 'cause you got your really cool ride that makes everyone like you, right? No, they're laughing at you, not with you, man!
3 Gone Sailin
Quarantine this man from society. It's the only rational thing to do as a responsible American. Although we're tolerant as Americans (snicker), we can't tolerate this level of human insanity being displayed on our public road system. This is why congressmen are transported around with tinted windows. People have been indicted for less evidence—look at the Unabomber. Stuff like this creates a ripple effect and a cognitive dissonance that loses wars, people! John Lennon made us lose Vietnam, and Kim Kardashian is why we're leaving Iraq! Separate this man from the rest of us before a chain reaction that's detrimental to us all is started!
Give the public a mock trial, and send him away for life, Mr. Attorney General Sessions. Beyond a reasonable doubt? How about beyond a reasonable thought process? Is that good enough for 20 years at San Quentin?
2 Jeepers Creeper, Where'd Ya Get Those...
Here's another idiot who fully restored this old beauty and did a fantastic job until he had a mental aberration and totally screwed up the headlights. Perhaps he lives way out in the boondocks where there's no lighting but the moon above, and he needed extra amps on the luminescence. Maybe he has macular degeneration and has trouble seeing at night. Maybe he's a complete luna-tic (get it? luna-tic?) who does seemingly random stupid things just to piss off normal people around him. Well, my fellow normals, the good news is you'll see this massive failure coming literally a mile away. Hell, you'll see this thing from satellites and space stations, I assume. You'll see it in your nightmares even. Don't look directly at the beam! Don't look directly AT THE BEAM!
1 Beast of Burden
This one takes the cake for so many reasons that I can't list them all here. Bulletproofing all around, modified cabin to withstand chemical gases, additional compartments to access firearms, and James Bond-type tear gas cannons in the front. This thing has been modified to transport a man who's made a lot of enemies. Nicknamed "Beast" by Mr. Trump, this thing is an upgrade from Bush's Caddy limo that only had to withstand food hitting it on his inauguration. Based on the riots in DC on the day of Mr. Trump's inauguration, I'd say he needs it. A noteworthy addition to this series of 20 isn't a Caddy; it's a Lincoln limo, but it's worth mentioning due to the flame customization the rioters did to it that fateful day in DC when Donald told our country, "You're Fired!"
Sources: Businessinsider.com; Complex.com; Cardomain.com