As you drive your vehicle, perhaps on your way to work, the last thing you expect to see is a byproduct of a nuclear fallout. After all, you're a long way from Chernobyl, and Korea hasn't attacked yet. Nevertheless, you encounter them on blue-moon occasions when you're under no influence of hallucinogens whatsoever. Perhaps you have had the disadvantage of encountering one of these monstrosities in your daily life. Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, these aren't illegal, and the only thing we can do is start a grassroots movement to outlaw these road creatures and their inventors. A purge of sorts. It's the American way after all. Strip them of their constitutional rights and ship them on a boat to Guantanamo Bay where they can be treated as prisoners of the war of automobiles. Sound Un-American? That's okay! We've been doing it for years and years. It's not "Cruel and Unusual" if you've done it continuously, or so Alberto Gonzales once said.
The following 25 mutilated road animals were created by some very disturbed people. Perhaps we'll never know the reasons, perhaps there was no reason, but either way, they're not an easy sight to process, but here they are—the ugly disgusting tattoos of the road that need to be removed.
25 Un-Super-Stretch Limo
It's disgusting to look at, and the human mind can't process why it was done at all. Creating a trunk large enough to hold Fort Knox, and then yellow, orange, and red? Now you have to pay extra on the tollways that charge per axle. One wonders if this man has to use separate keys for the trunk than the ones for the car; they are, after all, two separate vehicles. Of course, to a man this stupid, surely, he has it all figured out. The sheer work that went into this piece of garbage is just amazing. To the junkyard with this disaster, to the galleys with you, demented man of strong willpower. May you never even fathom of picking up a welding torch again. Thumbs down!
24 The "Try" Cycle
Maybe this man couldn't ride a motorcycle, or maybe he could but had one too many accidents that made him decide to make the back end of it a friggin car. Well, if you can't take a spill, don't ride a bike. It's fairly obvious that driving a motorcycle is one of the most dangerous modes of transportation, so just buy a Ford Focus, you weakling! Why no one stopped this man and told him, "This is a bad idea!" is beyond me. Even more so, why would anyone want to do it at all? Perhaps, it's like training wheels for him until he works his way up to a Huffy. Get off the streets with this wannabe motorcycle, and leave the bi-motor to men cut from a different cloth. Carry on, wayward tricycle man! Let your freakdom be known.
23 A Fading Conservatism
America runs on stupid—that's the only conclusion a man can make after looking at this right-wing freak job. After 7 days of listening to Rush Limbaugh and reading the book of Genesis, this mastermind of patriotism and mental deficiency is one step away from joining the N.R.A. and buying a "Make America Great Again" hat. Has the moron read the Declaration of Independence or the Federalist Papers? No! He gets his information from FOX and believes every word of it. No need to have an intellectual conversation with this Red, White, and Blue ignoramus. He doesn't listen to sound logic or basic common sense.
22 Corn-Hole Corvette
What did Big Bird do to you when you were a wee lad? Perhaps you were forced to watch Sesame Street while mom was at the diner making a buck so your demented self could eat that night. Either way, you're a moron. You have an affinity for Corvettes, I see, but probably can't drive them because you're so much of an idiot that stick-shifts perplex you. May you be imprisoned by this big yellow demon. May you pass it on to your offspring as a curse for what you've done. This thing is a road hazard for distracting other drivers on the road for its unsightly appearance. You, sir, are a sadist for putting all of us regular folk through this experience. For shame, for shame.
21 Apocalypse Not Now
This is what happens when you raise a child on the Heavy Metal video game and show them little love. Your being gone on business so often has had dire consequences on your son, sir. He lives in a make-believe world where rockets fire from cars, and the bill of rights is upheld. He needs a good shaking and even a slap in the face to make up for all that lost fathering. He's doomed to a life working at McDonald's and mental-disability checks if you don't intercede. He may never find a girlfriend, less so lifelong friends. You need to turn him into a man—and fast, brother.
20 Cinnamon Toast Chump
What's a great idea to show the world your favorite sweet cereal? Paint the logo all over a car whiter than a bowl of milk! Worried about your lady friends thinking it's a bit too much? That's okay—they won't be around anymore! Your friends either, for that matter—not that you really had any anyway. You'll finally have all the time to yourself you always wanted! One has to wonder what the guy painting this garbage on the car was thinking about his customer's wishes. Sail on, Captain Chump! Though the tide of the cereal bowl may be rough, a well-seasoned seaman is what's called for, and you're the man for the job! Hopefully (for your sake), General Mills offers you a salary to appear at grocery store openings since you obviously aren't working.
19 Tower of Babel
What's the best way to piss off your neighbors, girlfriend, and pretty much anyone who makes visual contact with your vehicle? Jack it up 5 feet and write some pseudo-satanic numbers on the back! I mean a row of sixes—but wait! He changed the last digit to an 8, so you see he's a reformed Satanist! Oh, there's more! Drive around with a burned-out taillight so the police can harass you as well! You're not a Satanist, you're not cool, and you need to grow the hell up! You can tell the cop you're saving up for the ladder to change the bulb when he pulls your dumb self over, you putz!
18 John Deere
Oh, here's a very special individual. I mean, "special" like got kicked out of the 2nd grade. Before this Nimrod goes to Disneyland, he decided to plaster John Deere logos all over his personal vehicle. In the midst of all this stupidity, this man also acquired an A.T.V. to match. Please go punch yourself repeatedly in the face for 5 minutes. You suck at being human and need to turn in your social security card and birth certificate and be placed in confinement. The poor migrant men who jump into the back of your truck at Home Depot should put you through a slap-gauntlet and beat you until all of the weakness leaves your body. May your John Deere-self find you riding your A.T.V. to the grocery store because this road pain has broken down on a freeway that you have to cross like Frogger!
17 Peyote Awakening
This man gets my respect. I don't care how crazy this car looks or makes you feel. This car is an image from another galaxy that this man has traveled to. He's given us a vision of truth, people—a truth we're not ready to accept. We can ride around blinded to this reality and pretend that life is exactly what we think it is. When other individuals travel to other dimensions using psychedelic drugs, it's often hard for people to heed your call or listen to your vision. But carry on, wayward prophet from the motherland. May your journey be successful and fortuitous. May you wake the sheep of this fair land to your reality you experienced that night in an hourly-rate motel at 3 AM in the morning.
16 Unlucky Streak
Do you feel lucky, punk? Well... do ya? Probably not. This dumb idiot apparently needs a whole lot of luck. He's been cowering in the shadows from the men looking to rough him up for the money he owes on poker. He's mortgaged the house and took out loans in his wife's credit. He has nothing left but this car, and bring him luck he hopes it does. He's stuck in a rut, people, and needs a miracle to get out of the situation he's in. No way up from here—you only go down and usually at the mercy of a damn loan shark.
15 Little Lincoln
Get off the streets, get out of sight, and have the junkyard take this thing away. What is wrong with you, sir? You have issues, and I really mean ISSUES. Why did you do this to us, us normal people just trying to make a living? We don't need this in our lives or memory ever! You must be sadistic, snickering as you drive away, relishing in the satisfaction that you've poisoned people's minds and nightmares. You're worse than Hitler for assaulting people's vision with this mechanical virus. May you find yourself bumper-to-bumper between two semi-trucks and the one behind you a little liberal with the gas pedal. Away with it and your evildoing ways! Road Picasso!
14 Retired Carpenter
Hey, what happens to a carpenter after he gets hit on the head with a 2' 4"? Well, this of course. When you suffer traumatic brain injury at work where you sculpt wood, what's the natural consequence? To do bodywork using wood, of course! And since you're now dependent on the government to get food in your face hole, how about making a damn fire hazard so the local fire department can waste their time saving your life from this death trap? You know what, do us a favor and please get a vasectomy immediately. The world doesn't need your offspring running around 20 years from now doing the same stupid stuff. When your car catches fire, please allow this thing to continue to burn.
13 Heavy-duty Deer Guard
Worried about getting your grille replaced after hitting all those deer and random pedestrians? No sweat! This special H1 modification is for you! Now, you can hit all the people and animals you want. With this special technology developed by NASA, you too can be one of the many satisfied customers who ram pedestrians every day and never see a dent! "I bought the upgrade, and now I can hit anyone in downtown!" says Martha, an 85-year-old retiree who can't drive well. Supplies are short, so order yours today at the very low cost of your human dignity and a credit card #, and you'll be knockin' em out of your way in no time!
12 Mobile Couch
I threw up in my mouth a little bit when seeing this car. I'm not a classist, but I do believe these "types" belong right where they are in life. Keep them relegated to the shanty towns on the outskirts of the empire. Designate a guard detachment to prevent them from haranguing local citizens and creating discomfort in one's mind when encountered. They're a problem with no solutions; they're not mentally sound. They have 35 dogs living in a 1 bedroom mobile home while having 50 cars in the driveway. Their creative impulses are manifest in their unorthodox vehicle modifications and Courtney Love t-shirts. This is why the teacher told you not to eat the glue right here. This is what it can do to you, people. Take caution no matter how delicious the adhesive may be. This is what it can do to your brain!
11 Thy Divine Chariot
"And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder, and one of the four beasts saying, 'Come and see.' And I saw, and behold, a white horse. And written upon him was death, and hell followed with him." Is this one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse? NO! It's just an idiot off his medication and left to his own devices with deep pockets. This thing is anything but angelic. It's a winged golden-eye attack from a demented and damaged mind of a man who paid too close attention in Sunday school. He's of the type that replaces the word "Jesus" with his own name in the Bible and often refers to himself as "The Promised One." Well, I'll take any other standard monotheistic religion over your convoluted and perverse ideals. You need to seek help, sir, and if you can't afford it, I'll pay for it out of my own pocket.
10 Captain Morgan Gone Rogue
Hey, I love rum, too. I love rum, and I love the sea. I also love driving, but I don't combine all three into one nice little package. I'm not mad at you for your freakiness. I don't believe you would've better spent your efforts in building an ACTUAL boat and sailing for the Caribbean, instead of sailing for exit 145. To each his own; live and let live. All B.S. aside, I'll bet this guy would be fun to throw a few back with and even ride around town with in his pirate-ship automobile. Because when you have the insanity of American politics and culture, what really is he doing that's so absurd compared to mainstream society? In comparison, he's actually quite normal really. Plus, if there's a massive flood of sorts, I think he might weather it better than anyone else.
9 "Ramblin' Man"
This is what happens when a woman does you wrong. You walk away from everything—her, your possessions, your $60,000-a-year job with corporate America. Kudos to you! All you need is a horizontal place to lay your head, a few canned goods, and a Neil Young playlist on your cell phone. You don't need running water or a shower for that matter. You have the open road and destiny. I actually would like this contraption if it wasn't so ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. One can only fathom to peer inside this contraption. Perhaps there's a shower, a stove, and a pullout bed—interesting way to live for sure. Carry on, ramblin' man. The road is your destiny, and stink is your smell.
8 "Uncle Penny Bags"
What do you do when you've always wanted to be so filthy rich it haunted your dreams at night and made you alienate yourself from friends and family? Why, build a contraption like this, of course. As if that's not enough, perhaps you'll make friends with Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney, maybe play golf with Donald Trump or sip Coronas with Hillary Clinton. Either way, you need to know you're a certified idiot and that the rich and affluent won't allow you to shine their proletariat stompers. They have real Rolls-Royces and have real people destroyed with their money. You're a wannabe—get out of the golf club, get away from these people, and join the N.R.A. or something. At least then you can feel empowered.
7 "Paper Mache" Machine
What do art-school dropouts with a drug problem look like? Yup, this is them. With their paper mache, they manufacture vehicle body molding and subject the entire world to their demented creativity. They take no prisoners in their thrifty penny-pinching attempt at vehicle repair. They voted independent and still don't know what a selfie is. They have the weaknesses of millennials and the idiosyncrasies of Generation X. They still believe they'll one day make a career out of programming video games and want to date Taylor Swift (before she broke bad.) These are the by-products of the baby boomers giving birth to a generation of adult children with an entitled outlook on life. These people brought you Jimmy Carter and short shorts on a grown man. They brought you spandex and whip-its. Well, thank you for adding your cultural element to the highways and byways of this fair land, sir.
6 "I'm Special!"
This vehicle needs no explanation. We've all been around them, people of this type. They usually are locked in attics or basements and are rarely let out into the sunlight. They create massive embarrassment for families and usually have a heavy regimen of medication that keeps them able to eat and defecate by themselves. If people were cats, this would've been the runt the momma cat would've killed when born. Unfortunately, humans aren't so charitable to our offspring. We allow them to suffer the slings and arrows of life and the abuse of normal people that'll inevitably punish and abuse them for life. They're almost guaranteed a job as a greeter at Walmart and destined to a life of Fox News and flag-waving every time a war kicks off. Yes, they can vote, too, as was seen in 2016. God help us all.
5 Thomas's Time-Traveling Limo
Hey, what do you do when you have a time-traveling mental disorder and want to go back to the future in style? Well. you turn a DMC Delorean into a damn limousine, of course! Flux capacitor not included. If you can get his junk heap up to 88 MPH, maybe you can go back in time and punch yourself as you started this project. Real hard! Maybe go back to before you were born and prevent it from happening!! Of course, that creates time-space-continuum issues. How did you travel back if you never existed?! But nevertheless, you need that punch, sir! Roads? Where you're going, you don't need roads! Only padded rooms and shots of psychotropic meds. Christopher Lloyd is saying "Great Scott!" right now, and for all the wrong reasons.
4 Reptilian Peccadilloes
This is a car Dick Cheney would drive. I say that in reference to the conspiracy theories that he's of a reptilian race destined to enslave humanity and bring a new world order. Or it's just some stupid twiddle toes driver that has worse taste than an interior decorator for the Third Reich. Either way, this thing hurts to look at and think about. No possibilities arise in my mind as to why a human being would do this to his vehicle—or a reptile. May God strike him down where he stands, and may this automobile erupt into flames and become a claim on an insurance policy. May this reptile stop poisoning us mortals with its visual debauchery. Get off the roads, evil snake-man!
3 Toni's Pedestrian Pulverizer
Hark, fair mortals of society! A demon has spawned on the streets and byways of this fair land. He's easily noticeable by his presence. Beware! He doesn't turn you into a red, white, and blue fascist that oppresses minorities and subjugates women at every turn. He can be seen at an N.R.A. meeting or sometimes lobbying on Capitol Hill for defense-budget increases. This thing needs to be taken off the streets of this egalitarian nation's roads and crushed in a ceremony reminiscent of John Lennon's memorial service. Your dark menacing ways aren't welcome in this country of the brave. This vehicle creates permanent scars on the human psyche. It gives little children nightmares and makes the elderly push their life-alert button. Stop being a menace to society, and find the Lord!
2 Richie's H4 "Panzer"
What happens to a man who's rejected by the U.S. military for psychopathic traits? He builds this monstrosity, of course! This gas-guzzling, terrorist-crushing G.O.P. machine is just what you need if that "War is the Answer" sticker on your bumper isn't enough!. Order now, and we'll include a water-boarding guide and a copy of Mein Kampf for FREE while supplies last! These vehicles are manufactured by right-wing nut jobs with an affinity for military vehicles and a passive approach to "legalities." Can you crush other cars (or liberals) with this thing? Sure! But remember, it isn't legal unless you suspected them of being terrorists! With the legs of Johnny-5 and the lime green of Iguana vomit, this thing is from a time and place no one should ever want to be in.
1 Vivian's Victorian RV
Let's all take a moment to sigh and shake our head for a moment. Some people are so unforgivably stupid that their imbecility reaches heights uncharted. Worthy of historical consideration, we must acknowledge the mistakes of these animals so we can grow from them and prevent them in the future. Building a house-car is unforgivable in terms of behavior. You're a stupid stupid person! You need guidance and probably a prescription for Valium. God only really knows what you need. Get this thing off the roads, off our vision, off anyone's eyesight. This is visual pollution, and you should be cited accordingly. May you walk the Earth the rest of your days, shoeless, hungry, and seeking refuge you shall not find!
Sources: Confused.com, Carthrottle.com