Trucks are a very special type of vehicle, but why do we love them so much? I’m speaking as someone that has never not owned a truck—it’s ingrained in me. I like trucks, but I also NEED trucks. Whether it’s that awesome freebie on Craigslist or a quick Home Depot run for some 10-foot 2x4s, the unmatched utility that a truck affords the average man is parallel to none.
But when men haven’t the means to secure their own “conventional” pickup truck, the human mind is far too enterprising to be stopped at something as menial as financial particulars. It’s not like a truck is the most expensive thing out there. Sure, you can spend almost $100,000 on a brand-new, decked-out Super Duty with more towing capacity than a tractor, but you don’t have to forfeit your children’s education just to drive a truck.
By the looks of these “trucks” however, you’d never know there was such a thing as a used pickup truck market. I don’t understand why people have to do it themselves when they can’t do it very well in the first place; but to each their own, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
It’s a good thing, too, because most of these trucks are just downright wrong. Some of them may be “cute” while others are as useless as they come, but still generally safe. However, when El Camino conversions feature an exposed gas tank and bare wires flapping in the wind, better judgment seems to have dropped the ball and let the mind indulge in a rapturous display of savagery. Here’s what happens when you’re just too cheap to buy a truck the right way!
20 Micro Type 2.1
It’s been said, “There is no ugly Volkswagen.” Whoever coined that phrase obviously never laid eyes on this jalopy before, lest he might have re-thunk that his words. Then again, it could have been THIS guy to say it in the first place! Everything would make sense! This New York resident decided that he had to have a pickup truck, but he also “had” to do it his own way. That way, as it would turn out, is more in line with the wacky, Volkswagen concept of design over anything else. It has a 0-60 time of four and a half minutes and a load rating of 37 pounds. If you look closely, you can make out Taylor Dunn cab with which the cabin is constructed of.
19 Longbed Lincoln
Because every home in the United States needs one—it’s the quintessential family car. Two rows of seating for the loved ones and an open cockpit for the unruly ones that need a timeout. Over the wheel wells, you can see wooden planks canvasing the dangerously-exposed fuel “cell.” The project stopped halfway through, as most of these projects do, only to sit and rot in the front yard as a lawn ornament until somebody passes the car off to a bunch of people who don’t want it. This Lincoln has seen the last of its respectable days. Its next stop is the crusher, if anybody cares about it enough to bring it there.
18 Doing Wrong – The Right Way
There’s just something about Lincolns, apparently. This guy took an uglier Lincoln, did the same, backyard Frankensteining to the tail section, and even slapped on a few whitewalls for effect. He was on a roll, to be honest. I mean, as far as, “bad cars converted into worse trucks,” goes. I’ve seen a lot worse in the way of cutting and fabricating. All of this technical savvy amounts to little when all is said and done, however, because he took his final product—already in a questionable state—and decided the best color to paint it would be pink.
17 It's A Trap
They call it, “your average, everyday vehicle.” The guy that said that seems to hang around a lot of corpses, but he would be correct, at least in part. This 1983 Toyota is a Crown Hearse, and it could have been yours for the low, low price of $Waytoogoshdarnmuch! Seriously though, somebody wanted over $30,000 for this gaudy atrocity, which amounts to little more than a final insult. If I’m poor when I die, it’s ok to give me a poor man’s remembrance, but spare me the tacky gold trim on the coffin case atop the Toyota. They even had to add the pillars between the windows. Am I really the only one who thinks this would be an extremely embarrassing final ride?
16 Bug Conversion
You’ve seen these things around, and the quality of your life improved zero percent for having such an experience. It’s a bad idea that somehow got some wind underneath its sails at one point in time. Now, they just stagnate in a perpetual state of being—they never got big and popular, but they never went completely away, either. Leave it up to some weirdo (like that one auto shop teacher in your community college) to have one tucked away somewhere. They are seldom, if ever, in running condition, are never painted, and, despite the corny nature of the entire thing, somehow too special to just throw into the jaws of the crusher. After all, there used to be a good car somewhere in there.
15 BMW Truck Conversion
Here’s one that keeps you wondering about its origins; it’s not a yard dog that isn’t allowed off the farm, but it isn’t necessarily a high-quality build, either. The fact that it started out as a premium luxury car from Germany would indicate that something is awry. Although BMW did secretly build an E30 pickup truck back in the 1980s, this is nothing like that. The E30 conversion was clean, matching, and consistent. This one started out as a standard sedan, probably was totaled, and someone had the bright idea to throw a stake bed on it. Not my idea of fun, but I don’t have to be seen in it, either.
14 Ultimate Super Crew Mega Cabozine
When just two rows of seats aren’t enough, but you just “gotta have” that good-ol’ flatbed utility, consider wasting months of your life in pursuit of the perfect Vuck (Van-Truck). Obviously, this guy is an enterprising chap; he wasn’t to be limited by the design restraints of engineers when they limited their chassis designs purposefully. He was determined to have the best of all the worlds: cargo capacity, interior space, and 27-feet of gnarly-looking sheet metal. The only thing he doesn’t have is friends; after he built this truck, nobody wanted to be seen associating with this guy, even though he made sure to find a van with conspicuous windows.
13 Crown Sport Trac
When you just can’t scream how little you care about anything in life loud enough; when face tattoos and obscene piercings don’t push the envelope far enough; when you still have a little bit of social credibility that you can’t wait to ignite into a ball of wasted life and unrealized dreams, this is what you can always resort to. It’s a statement about life, and it’s made boldly. If I were a gambling man, I’d put my money on this guy being so absolutely cheap that he, despite a slew of better options at his disposal, chose to preserve the volumetric capacity of his Crown Vick and opt for the pickup bed conversion after a rear-end accident.
12 Chief Camino
You’ve waited long enough for a little ray of sunshine, and this list has definitely been a hard few pictures to look at, so I figured I’d present you with something easy on the eyes. It’s nothing like you’ve ever seen, but it looks better than most of the things you have—and it’s arguably one of the cleanest pickup truck conversions you’ve ever come across. The placid sheet metal is straight and as original as possible while the bed area looks factory-fresh, just like an El Camino. The Chief even features a fire-breathing 389 with a four-barrel and a Muncie four-speed, the way it ought to be.
11 Trunk In The Trunk
This Audi’s got some trunk on its trunk—that’s twice the junk in the trunk for the price of one, sort of. The price of one motor pulling around two car bodies—yes, that logic holds. But to achieve this marvel of a custom creation, a lot of money, care, and craftsmanship had to be put into delivering just the right amount of Audi in the back. Since the position of the rear axle was to remain in its original location, the length of the chassis forward of the axle had to be carefully calculated to keep the tongue weight from grossing out over the maximum. This is a case of a guy not being too cheap; rather, he’s not cheap enough.
10 Cadillac Camper
This beautiful machine was built in 1952, and the vintage camper recites a telling tale of life taking an odd turn. The addition of campers was a car mod that went mainstream with the force of a thousand volcanoes, all erupting at the same time. Once people started to open up to this new concept of exploring the great the outdoors, camping proliferated across the nation. Everybody was building, or converting, things to camp in (and with). Toys, haulers, trailers—you name it, everything was going camping. With all the haphazard designing and renegade reciprocating saws wreaking havoc everywhere, it’s only natural a Cadillac or two would get caught up in the crossfire.
9 Produce Aisle
You may not be familiar with this sight if you’re not an Argentina-based grocery shopper. This poor Mercedes would have never assumed it would ferry apples, cilantro, and garlic around town every morning to sell vegetables, but that’s exactly what happened to it. Who knows how this guy got his hands on a Mercedes—especially a rare limo like this—but even more curious is the question of whether or not he “actually” thinks that having a Mercedes helps his business look more prestigious. I’m going out on a limb and saying yes. I’m also going to assume that there’s probably a few exhaust leaks in that floorboard where the fruit is able to permeate in diesel exhaust. (You have to pay extra for that in most places.)
8 Three-Wheeler
This is one of those National Geographic-style pictures that leave us with more questions than answers. On one hand, we’re grateful that we don’t ever find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to cart around a truck body on some weird, three-wheeled bike. On the other hand, where is this dude going? And why didn’t he use AAA? Whatever he thinks he’s going to do with it is only half as spectacular as the courage required to do it. I don’t know about you, but you couldn’t pay me enough to walk underneath that a truck body as it precariously balances on a bike frame that would be hard-pressed to pass the loosest of quality control inspections.
7 Cherry Tow
This backyard operation not only borderlines on less-than-marginal safety (with blatant disregard for warning labels), but it does so while expending the least possible amount of brain cells in the process. Surely, there are better ways to “rig” up your old Bronco to the frame of this bed-less pickup truck if you needed to pull it somewhere. That’s the most disturbing part about this. I can overlook the Harbor Freight tie-downs providing longitudinal support. I actually would have liked to have seen it “let go” to send that engine hoist through the Bronco’s rear window. I would normally resent this more than I do, but the entertainment value of watching it all fall apart makes up for most of my misplaced anger.
6 Wheeled “Thing”
There’s no other way to properly reference this machine. I don’t normally trace my words too deeply into the darkest corners of the human mind, but there’s no other way to explain away this creation of nature—this has objectophilia written all over it. That truck has a face only a mad scientist could love, and it’s so far removed from the proud machine it started out as. You know, when it rolled off the assembly line and fired up for the first time, it was a bright future indeed. The poor truck probably had ambitions of being stored in a museum after some courageous act of bravery in battle. Instead, it was destined to spend its entirety chopped up in Uncle Nester’s backyard as a mule.
5 Front Hoe
No, it’s not something all rappers make sure to have in their entourage. Front hoes are actually much less fun—unless you’re this guy, that is. He looks like he got a weird little kick out of this thing, for sure. You and I look upon it with disdain and contempt; it’s a disgusting looking abomination that should be stoned and then burned alive after being covered in salt and holy water. Naked frame rails extend aimlessly into oblivion as the chassis features only the bare essentials: a power plant, PTO pump, some hydraulic lines, and 457 zip ties. (No serviceable backhoes were harmed in the creation of this machine.)
4 Pulsar UTE
The name is as ugly as it looks, and it looks as ugly as it sounds. It’s a “coupe-utility” vehicle, and it’s the most useless pile of garbage you’ve ever laid eyes on. UTEs are for other places where people can’t afford to spread their legs out in a little bit of luxury as they motor over to the grocery store. That’s not to say they are for third-world nations only, either—Europe loves these little things. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid folks; first, they’ll cram you into a shoebox like this, next thing you know, they’re rounding you up in the middle of the night and stuffing you into a rail car! Those with nothing to hide have nothing to fear.
3 GMC – Like An Oak
When amazing talent meets up with an adolescent love for General Motors, a pipe dream may glimmer past a woodworker’s brain as he labors away. This glimmer—the useless expenditure of resources to build an all-wood pickup truck—would sit as a pipe dream for a long time. But, as luck would have it, the builder found some extra free time one day and started chiseling, and chiseling, and chiseling…and chiseling. Finally, after so much chiseling, he realized that he was finished with his truck, and it was completely useless. The truck now sits in the Heidrick Ag History Center, in case you ever wanted to see it sitting next to vintage farm equipment—all equally useful. (Sadly, trees were harmed in the creation of this “art.”)
2 Old Wooden Sides
You may remember “Old Ironsides” from your history classes in grade school. The phony boat is actually a wooden-hulled, triple-masted frigate named by George Washington himself. I don’t know where to begin with this truck, but we can just be honest and call it Wooden Sides. The architecture takes pre-1920s styling and mixes it with 18th-century technology. I almost wouldn’t be surprised to look inside and find a hole in the floor so you could scoot it along your route with your feet.
1 Camper Special
This is what happens when somebody “thinks” too hard. There’s always that guy, we all know one. He’s always trying to beat the system somehow; always trying to take a shortcut. He’ll burn three days of his time to avoid exerting an extra 10 minutes on something he doesn’t want to do. So, whether this thing is supposed to be a living room edition, additional square-footage for the camping setup, or a combination thereof, he’s not scoring points with anybody I care to associate with. One thing is for certain, I’m almost positive he was probably exceedingly proud of his creation once he planted the outriggers for the first time and looked at all that he had done.
Sources: Jalopnik, Taylor Dunn, Motor1, and Road and Track.