Nissan’s Juke belongs on any top ten list of ugliest vehicles in the last decade. It’s a crossover, which is already a huge aesthetic handicap, but they really went the extra mile. Calling it a Renault Megane R26 that got punched in the face several times and then put on stilts doesn’t do it justice. Chief among its many flaws is the decision to make the fog lights the most prominent feature, a hideous design logic replicated in the equally ugly 2014 Jeep Cherokee. Of course, all this would make it a hilarious supercar-beating sleeper – if anyone cared.

Thankfully, the folks at Nissan did. They decided to take first place in a competition that nobody on God’s green earth cared about the fastest street-legal crossover. By the time they were done, it arguably wasn’t even a crossover – but it looked like one, and that was what counted.

This is how Nissan made one of the strangest performance machines of the decade.

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Thunderous Theropod

Nissan Nuke R
via: Top Gear

The key to making some sense of the Juke R lies in remembering that it has the GT-R’s running gear, with a shortened wheelbase to fit the Juke’s portly frame. Also, while the normal Juke has a pedestrian straight-four, the Juke R was instead powered by the GT-R’s 3.8 liter V6, mounted farther back in the cabin and equipped with a pair of turbos. It makes 485 hp and 434 lb-ft of torque, pushing all that through a six-speed dual-clutch semi-automatic transmission and AWD.

The Juke R made its debut in the United Arab Emirates, where they absolutely love stupid stuff like this. It does 0-60 in a claimed 3.7 seconds, which Car and Driver believed was underselling it; they estimated 3.4 seconds with their road test and a 12-second quarter mile. This was spectacular performance for a vehicle that has the styling of a pair of Timbs and similar aerodynamics – the drag actually limited the top speed to 160 mph.

Nissan Juke R #001
via: Motor Authority

Even with the full roll cage and carbon fiber body elements, body roll was about as absurd as you’d expect for a vehicle tall enough to have a crow’s nest at the top. However, Motor Trend said the handling was actually nimbler than that on the GT-R. This may be due to the fact that its production was headed up by British firm RML Motorsport and especially their chief test driver Michael Mallock. This is amusing because most British reviewers seemed a little more skittish around the Juke R than Americans.

Reviewers said it was surprisingly comfortable for the driver. It kept the gauges from the GT-R for a more performance-oriented look. It didn’t even go on the crash diet imposed upon most of these creations. The Juke R still had climate control, stereo, and infotainment. The overall build quality was also impressive; despite needing to cut the GT-R drivetrain apart and re-assemble it, Fifth Gear’s Jason Plato noted only the smallest of welds as evidence of the operation.

Nissan Juke R Goodwood
via: Autocar

It was only two seconds slower than the GT-R around the Bedford Autodrome’s south circuit. One Juke R variant, a production model called the Juke R #001, made about 550 hp and offered even more stunning performance. This version beat the Carrera GT and the Murcielago LP640 around the Bedford Autodrome west circuit.

Then Nissan decided they could up the ante.

Juke R 2.0

Nissan Juke R 2.0 Track
via: New Atlas

The air intake became twice as big. They stripped out the climate control. Lastly, they cranked it up to 591 hp. They made a crossover with horsepower in the range of a McLaren F1, and hilariously both cars are equally quick on the 0-60 sprint, at about 3 seconds.

Reviewers were even more amused than last time around. British reviewers said “bonkers” a lot. The car’s gearbox was fast, the brakes were powerful, and it still handled fantastically well. Autocar said the Juke R 2.0's throttle response was actually better than that of the GT-R. It was similarly considered a little jumpier and more communicative than its donor car.

The Funniest $730,000 You’ll Ever Spend

Nissan Juke R #001 Below
via: Motor Authority

The Juke R is not sold in the US. Goodness knows why. Yes, it can be imported for a monumental $730,000, but why sell this thing in Europe and not the USA? Gas is way cheaper, and we’ve got a much bigger population.

It’s not completely impractical either, especially if you compare it to actual supercars. The cargo space is enormous thanks to the missing rear seats, and the high driving position is still useful for visibility. The short wheelbase and decent ground clearance make it usable for city driving on public roads. Plus, it’s a Nissan, so it’ll be fairly reliable with parts readily available.

If the GT-R is Godzilla, this is Mothra – an utterly baffling choice that the designers decided to make intimidating, probably for the sake of comedy. It might have been a stupid idea, but the way they approached it made it genuinely amazing. A good joke takes some work, and Nissan put in the hours. The Juke R is a delightful punchline.

Nissan Juke R 2.0 Rear View
via: Autocar

Sources: Auto Express, Autocar, Automobile, Car and Driver, Fifth Gear, Motor Trend, Motor Authority, Motoring Research, Stuff, Top Gear

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