On some level, all gearheads know that one person who knows it all. They know everything about cars, engines, and driving more than anyone else in the room, despite the fact that they’re novices. And if we listen to these people talk long enough, we soon come to realize that in the end, they have no idea what they’re talking about because all the words that come out of their mouths make absolutely no sense at all!
When it comes to motorcycling, we have a name for such individuals; we call them squids. Essentially, a squid is a person who knows everything but in actual fact is so fresh and green at something that they can’t hide it, no matter how much they talk a big game.
Well, in terms of motorcycle riding, wrenching, and knowledge, some of these folks truly deserve the title. They’ll come out with some of the most outrageous things and meanwhile, all the experienced riders are left only to laugh at them.
The myths we’ve compiled for you today are the perfect way to flush out the squids at your local biker hangout. Just feed them one of these myths and if any of the new faces jump up and claim you’re speaking the truth, well, you’ve uncovered yourself a squid. Seriously, only a squid would believe some of these myths you’re about to read.
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20 RACE TIRES MAKE ME FASTER
This is the equivalent of me saying that if I had a champion runner's calves, then I could win gold at the Olympics. It doesn't make much sense, as there are so many other factors to think about, such as body weight, strength, conditioning...and the list goes on and on and on. Well, the same goes for motorcycles, as there are other factors at play when comparing motorcycles and it wouldn't be the tires that make an old beater bike faster, and to assume so definitely uncovers the many layers of inexperience any believer of such theories may have. It would be funny to see expensive race tires on an old cruiser anyways.
19 I'M INVISIBLE TO POLICE RADARS
Equally ridiculous is the belief that these inexperienced riders will go all their lives on the road without encountering police radar. There are even those that believe that radars can't read the speed of a motorcycle as opposed to a car! Now, can you believe that one? There are cops behind almost every billboard and bush on the highway and they're always eager to hand out a ticket or two. It makes them giddy, somehow, almost as much as warm coffee and tasty donuts! It's impossible not to be ticketed and just to be clear, those radars pick up even the fastest bikes, rest assured.
18 LAY THE BIKE DOWN
This picture shows some pretty seriously experienced bikers. After all, they prep and race their bikes professionally and make a decent living doing so. So, when you see them taking those sharp turns on TV, practically laying their bikes on the ground, rest assured that they've practiced that trick a million times. Somewhere along the line, squids decided that this was the way to turn when on a bike and yes, this notion obviously led to some pretty gnarly results. Another misconception along the same lines: when in danger of incident, lay down the bike to prevent danger. Well, friends, this notion is actually quite false and is something only a squid would believe.
17 TRACTION CONTROL MAKES ME FASTER
There are also those squids that study manual after manual. They turn their bikes over and look at ever bolt and gear. They study the terminology and every mechanical system they can get their hands on and although they're learning a bunch of words and getting really book smart, in the motorcycle world, there's such a thing as street smarts that's a tad more important. Case in point: squids that believe that their bikes will be more powerful and that much more impressive all because their traction control system is state-of-the-art. Man! Hold this coffee while I laugh uncontrollably, please!
16 THE YOUNGER YOU ARE, THE MORE AT RISK YOU ARE
Now I know this little tyke looks to be ready for the road and it isn't rare for little dudes and gals to ride dirt bikes in rural areas—but the demographic we're going for here is about 18 to 25. Another glaring and popular misconception among the squids at your local biker hangout (you know the ones I'm talking about, the ones making way too much noise for attention), is that people in this particular demographic are more at risk of incident than older people. It's interesting but not at all true. No matter what your age, if you sit atop a bike—any bike—you are at risk. If you can't face that and want to delude yourself, stick to riding in cars.
15 IF YOU THINK IT, YOU'LL WILL IT
You know, this particular thought is rather popular in self-help books and seminars. It's actually quite comical as a concept, as I've pictured myself holding a basket full of millions of dollars and it hasn't come true yet (but I'll keep you posted on that one). Many would argue that it's rather superstitious. But guess what? Squids have yet another trait outside of arrogance that runs vibrantly among their mist and, you guessed it, they all have superstitious feelings. One, in particular, that's quite funny is: if you think that an incident will befall you, then it will. Do I need to hold something for you as you bend over laughing?
14 BIKE OF MY DREAMS
Apparently, squids have never heard of the notion of learning to ride on a starter bike. It's a great notion, but apparently, they don't believe so. According to some polls, squids think that if they purchase their dream bikes right from the get-go, the transition from novice to expert will go all that much smoother. Well, that's another funny one, as just the opposite is the truth. You buy a good bike, yes, but surely not the most expensive and surely not your dream bike. Only when you've passed into the realm of expert should you consider getting that Harley or Indian you always wanted.
13 YOU WISH I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND
Have you ever seen this guy? He really takes his time getting off his bike, makes a big show of removing his helmet and his jacket. Then he checks his boots. Or what about the guy that tells you he's getting a bike and all of a sudden starts batting his eyes so fast you think he's having some sort of attack? We're sure you've seen him, as well. Now, what do all these guys have in common? That's the $64,000 question that everyone wants to know the answer to. They seem to believe that the fact that they have a motorcycle automatically makes them irresistible to the fairer gender. Now, we turn to our female readers on this one. Can this be true?
12 DWAYNE JOHNSON!? I GET THAT ALL THE TIME
Now, it isn't just the women some of these squids want to impress. Some of these dudes are out to impress anyone and everyone. But perhaps what is more prevalent among the novice bikers out there, or squids as we've been labeling them, is the fact that they seem to grow a few inches taller when they're around or talking about their bikes. It's true. "You know Howard? Well, last I saw him, he looked just like Dwayne Johnson. No word of a lie, I mean the man just transformed before my very eyes and all because he was sitting atop the most incredible motorbike I'd ever seen!"
11 MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Yes indeed, money does make the world go round. Those who have lots of it know what I'm talking about and those of us who don't can surely imagine what it would be like. But whether you've got lots of cash or not, you can still get a great bike and be a great biker. You can get a very decent bike and for very little money. But as it turns out, squids don't really believe (nor do they understand) this simple concept, as according to many of them, a bike is only good if you're willing to lose house and home to finance the purchase. According to squids, the only way you can be a motorbike aficionado is if you've spent a fortune on your bike.
10 BLAME THE CARS
There are a lot of bad drivers out there and what's known as "road rage" is definitely prevalent among many drivers that are out there. Right about now, someone is screaming at the top of their lungs because someone cut them off or didn't put their blinker on. Whatever the reason, there are many that could do with a few hours of therapy or some anger management. But this all doesn't mean that we can go ahead and blame every driver for all unfortunate incidents on the road. No way. As great bikers, we need to take accountability for our actions. But yeah, keep an eye on all the vehicles out there too.
9 I AM INVINCIBLE
Here's a shot of Mel Gibson looking awesome in one of his more recent films. And if you wish to erase him from the equation, go right ahead and insert any musclebound actors in his position, all of them giving that intense look and flexing their biceps and chest muscles as the director yells, "Action!" Do you know how many people were inspired to go out and buy a bike just because their idols rode one on TV did? Quite a few. Now, that's not the problem here. It's cool. If you grew up watching Easy Rider or The Wild One and wanted to be like your heroes Fonda and Brando, no problem. The problem is that squids actually think they'll be as invincible as their heroes when out there on the road.
8 GO AHEAD AND PASS
This one's rather interesting, as it deals with a major misconception. A myth, after all, is nothing more than a misconception—or a series of them. How can we avoid these misconceptions? Well, listening to the more experienced riders out there is key and should be first on your to-do list as a beginner. Only that way will you be able to avoid misconceptions like this one: that drivers let you pass them on the road because they're being nice. That's really funny if you think about it; they're only letting you pass because you're irritating them! It's important to know that drivers are always weary of bikers, so look out for them and look out for their hand signals.
7 NEW IS BETTER THAN OLD
Just like the old misconception that more expensive is better than cheaper, here is another popular misconception. Many squids believe that older bikes are inferior to newer bikes. If that were true, then why do people spend their lives looking for the old classics and spend hours, weeks, days, and even years refurbishing them and getting them ready for the road? Collectors have paid lots and lots of money for old bikes like Harleys, Indians, and Ducatis. And what all the squids seem to be against is the fact that these old bikes are so sought-after because they're just as good, and maybe much better, than the stuff being produced today.
6 RACE BIKES ARE BETTER THAN CRUISERS
To continue with the "My toy's better than yours" myth, there is yet another error in the way squids think. Many believe that racing bikes are actually better than cruisers and for this one, you may be shocked at what's really wrong with this way of thinking. As it turns out, racing bikes are better...for some riders. For others, choppers are better, while others prefer dirt bikes. Myself, I prefer cruisers. And you know what? We're all right. No type of bike is better than another, as this all depends on taste and style. The only thing wrong with this way of thinking is thinking that one is better than the other just because you think so. So remember, if somebody prefers cruisers while you prefer speed bikes—don't be a squid.
5 NOT MY FAULT!
Accountability is an important word. At the end of the day, accountability makes humans better and makes a person wiser as they age. Taking accountability for your actions is also the way to garner yourself some respect and, if we're harsh on these squids, it's only because they consistently show a lack of accountability and it only adds to the frustration we feel towards them. Squids are constantly looking for someone else to blame when something arises out there on the road and they never look into that mirror. And that's why it's so easy to poke fun at them. Who will they point the finger at when there's no one left to blame?
4 HONDAS ARE BAD BIKES
This is probably one of the most infuriating misconceptions of all, as Honda makes many pretty decent bikes, and yes, all throughout their lineup. Sure, they're not the most expensive but we went through that myth earlier. But this statement makes me think of that guy, you know, the guy that stands behind the big bully, repeating just what the big bully says. Well, squids are the same and would make a statement like this one here. They probably heard somebody state this ridiculous opinion and all they do is repeat it to anyone who'll listen. Opinions such as this should be researched before being spoken aloud.
3 NEW TIRES HAVE A SPECIAL COATING
There are also those squids that believe that new tires on bikes come with a special coating. First of all, there is no such coating. They may look like that but let me let you in on a little secret: the tires are clean and brand new. No wonder they look like they have a coating! Now, the squids that believe this one actually have a remedy to get rid of that coating. Wait for it, now, because this one's so good. They actually believe that if you ride the bike for a bit with the wheels slightly deflated, this coating (that's nonexistent, to begin with) will suddenly and magically disappear. Brilliant!
2 I DON'T NEED A HELMET
For you Star Wars fans out there, that's a cool helmet. There are so many helmet types and if you like, you can even design your own or have them specially made, like this one. The sky's the limit and really, there sure are a lot of options. But what you should never do is decide to not wear a helmet when riding around on your motorcycle, no matter where you choose to ride. Always remember that safety should be considered first and at all times. Besides, in certain districts, it's illegal anyway, so follow the law, folks. And remember, riding should be fun. So, listen to those more experienced and most importantly, don't be a squid!
1 IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME
Perhaps the trait most common among squids is that of arrogance. Who knows what it is about beginners that makes them arrogant in spite of the fact that they have very little experience to speak of. It's actually quite baffling to think about and yet it's so common. And denial of the inevitable, or the possible, is actually quite an arrogant trait to have. Squids are always thinking that they will be the special ones among millions that will be touched by luck and avoid all scrapes when they are sitting atop their trusted steeds. Well, unfortunately, that isn't the case, as any rider worth their salt has most definitely been in at least one incident (or more) in their day.
Sources: Wikipedia, Motorcyclist, Visor Down, and Ride Apart.