Driving a truck can have a slightly intoxicating effect on better judgment if one is not careful. We see it every day. It’s not so much a way of driving as it is a way of life; and some people ride the snot out of this crazy train, while others refrain altogether. Sometimes, it’s the things they do while driving their trucks but other times, it’s just the things they do to their trucks in the first place.
There are three distinct types of truck owners out there, and two of them are acceptable. The first type actually uses his truck. Whether it looks pretty or not, it’s a workhorse, first and foremost. The second type may exhibit characteristics of the first type but in reality, he likes lookers. This type of person may spend lots of money to pump up his truck, but he’s spending wisely and building a solid machine. These two types of people are the types of people that we want to own trucks.
And then there is the third type of person. This is the type truck owner who fans pure oxygen into the burning embers of a smoldering reputation. Maybe it’s just an influx of millennials, driving with the same sense of entitlement that they tread aimlessly through life with; then again, maybe lift kits really do add an inch or two, who knows. But whatever the reason, count on this third group of truck owners to capitalize on every opportunity to grind your gears whenever possible. Whether it's one of the many habits they have or the silly things they do with their trucks, here are some of their favorite go-tos to get you steaming before you even make it to work.
20 Maximize Their Footprint
You all have seen this guy before, and half of you out there wanted to punch his windows out and slash his tires for parking like such a jerk. Luckily, there is a proven method when dealing with arrogance that can’t be bothered with the likes of a peasant like you. All it takes is a little compromise. That compromise comes in the form of you being ok with few battle scars on your doors, but short of lighting his truck on fire, there isn’t really another ethical means for dealing with this guy. Just slide your car so close to his door that he has to slither into it like the snake that he is. That’ll eventually get old after a while.
19 Turn Funny Things Into Roads
It’s a pickup truck, so you have to expect a certain degree of shenanigans, but blatantly blazing a trail down a pedestrian walkway is pushing it, even for the most cavalier pickup-truck drivers. One thing that unyieldingly binds them to one another, however, is the truck mentality. They think that just because it’s a truck, it’s unstoppable. That may be true in many tested cases, but when concrete meets sheet metal, only one can yield. Nine times out of 10, it isn’t the concrete that’s doing the yielding. Even when it does give, the truck is usually worse off.
18 “Poke” Fun At The Ozone Layer
Just because you can blow hydrocarbons and NOx gasses up into the atmosphere (with the persistence of a rubber factory), doesn’t mean you should. I understand that you’re exercising your rights to freedom of expression and I’m actually okay with blowing soot all over the place, just because it’s cool. But leave it to that one human to take it too far, post his mockery online, and add fuel to the already-devastating fire of red tape and regulation. It's fools like this that bring the added attention to diesel that ultimately expedites the slow strangulation of your beloved oil-burning powerplants. Cut this out! You’re ruining it for everybody!
17 Pull Needlessly-Large Trailers
Yea, buddy! You know this guy! He’s just an honest chap, doing his duty by dutifully moving the big gears of the economy. We all gotta eat, right? Here’s the thing though: he’s just in the stinking way—all the time! Trucks, even light-duty trucks, sold today feature monster tow ratings that could almost pull a space shuttle (you didn’t believe that one did you?). That’s great, until they try to load a space shuttle’s-worth of hay bales onto their gooseneck. Even that’s okay, but when that monstrosity tries to climb the Grapevine, you’d swear he forgot where the gas pedal was.
16 Show Off…No Matter What
You almost can’t trust a truck guy to even donate humbly. Even in their philanthropy, they have to park in the middle of showrooms and show you just how much peanut butter they are able to generate for the poor. Now, this is a great cause, don’t get me wrong; I’m all for helping less-fortunate souls afford a bit of comfort and peace in this harsh world—but they’d probably prefer a Hot Pocket (at least)! Wouldn’t you? What are poor people supposed to do with 200,000 pounds of peanut butter? Buy a bread factory so it doesn’t go to waste? They’re just going to get extremely thirsty, and the next thing you know, we need a water drive.
15 Act Like A Savage
You know who you are! Trucks are cool, let’s all face it. I’ve never not owned a truck, and I never won’t own a truck. (Except, I don’t own a truck right now; but that’s beside the point.) I’ll even admit that if I was this particular Ford, and I happened across this particular Chevy in a field somewhere, I’d probably drive on top of it, too, despite my affinity for Chevys. (Trucks are just supposed to crush things, right?) But if you can’t contain yourself to private property while enacting your savagery, you really need to hang the keys up. Stop plowing over center dividers just because your wheels are big!
14 Jack It Up To The Ceiling
The showman himself. Don’t get him fooled with anybody important, though. The fact that he can be seen from a mile away means little more than the fact that it’s all you’re ever going to remember him for. Now, I’m not talking about our dear mudders out there (I love your trucks) or all you other normal guys who just like to lift your truck, for whatever reason…I’m all down for lifted trucks. But that sky lounge you got there (rolling on those eight-lug retirement funds) would have been better spent on a number of other builds, and I’ve seen Explorers with $400 lift kits that would out-romp you.
13 Jack It Up To Mount Olympus
Fittingly, the truck would assume the “Hercules” moniker—it’s one of the tallest pickup trucks you’ve ever laid eyes on and it plays harder than it looks! This thing is baaaad! But really, bro? Do we need to transcend the marine layer on our daily commute to and from work? On one hand, it’s a lovely piece of art that performs even sharper than it looks. But what do we do with it now? Someone’s just going to come along later and build a bigger, more useless truck right behind you. Then, he’ll be the biggest until someone comes and ups him off with an even bigger one.
12 Slam It Into The Earth
This is a classic, and although it looks ten times better than any contemporary lifted truck I’ve ever seen, it’s always a little saddening to know that this is likely going to be the end of the line for this old road warrior. The modifications required to chisel it so close to the ground are, in many cases, irreversible. So, eventually, this truck will have seen its last days in this modified form, and definitely sooner than had it not been chopped up. There’s just no way around it. After so long, you get tired of expensive tires getting chewed up in a few thousand miles.
11 Slam It Upside Down
Because, why? This bottomless truck is, in fact, a ruse! (And I’m not just talking about the sheet metal inversion here, either.) It’s a 1995 F-150 body mounted upside down, yes. But most people initially assume it’s the same thing driving on the bottom side. This is not the case at all. In fact, what’s on the bottom will make you laugh for the fact that it happens to be driving “upside down.” It’s a 1991 Ranger (which is essentially an Explorer, as far as I’m concerned.) I would actually have a load of respect for this truck, though, if he could blow a tire, flip it upside down, and drive away on the F-150 to get a new tire.
10 Look Down On Everyone (Literally)
Brodozer is about as large as they come. (Yes, I’ve said that before, but I mean it this time!) Brodozer actually was built by the same wizards that were responsible for Hercules, that unstoppable mudder you were just gawking at. It was cumulative of everything they had been evolving into over the years. They just kept building bigger and bigger trucks. So, when they sat down to draw up Brodozer, they wanted a truck that could literally go anywhere. As it would turn out, anywhere was to include Monster Jam. They’d done just about everything else you could do with a truck, and now they can look down at 45,000 people, all at the same time.
9 Go Overboard
This is the product of being a halfway successful something-or-another that was never taught the value of investment accounts. It’s about 33 feet of burning money, fizzling away across three mediums of waste: the truck (which is a show pony at best), the trailer (a show foal), and the quad (micropony). Rims on everything, and a matching flame job show the world he’s no stranger to spending money. More accurately, this is what happens when poor people—with no money—get a little bit of money. They spend all of the money so as not to look like a poor person with no money. Meanwhile, rich people buy planes.
8 Act Tougher Than They Are
Admittedly, it’s not hard. Trucks naturally inspire a sense of invincibility; they’re rugged, tough, and meant for nothing but work. (Or they used to be, anyway.) Getting behind the wheel of a demilitarized M35—a relative of the GMC CCKW (the “deuce and a half”)—must inspire post-apocalyptic feelings of invincibility. If you’ve ever heard the name deuce and a half, you probably know how special that truck was. The M35 is just as proud, but the stray Tacoma appears to be trying to ride the wave of glory on the coattails of the M35. The snorkel is a nice touch, but this little guy isn’t fooling anybody.
7 Pretend Retro Is Back In Style
This is a Land Rover—believe it or not—and it’s cool, too. They’re going retro with this one, and they seem to be doing so many things right. This isn’t supposed to be a tow monster, a rock crusher, or a dune stormer; but it’s supposed to be retro. And it nails it. For all of the targets this awesome little truck knocks out of the park, once again, it’s a Land Rover. My point is, you do not own a Land Rover and therefore, nothing about your pickup truck should even remotely resemble “retro” if it isn’t post-1975. Even then, 1975 is pushing it.
6 Exude Their Wildest Fantasies
Here’s a real winner, folks. Meet the face of the ones who ruin it with self-righteousness. The airbrushed mural of a horse on the tailgate is already pushing it—airbrushing and murals have been dead for longer than they’ve been alive. But what’s most eye-catching is the script under the mural: “In your wildest dreams.” Yea, suuure. Maybe, if my wildest dreams were in Backwood Boonieville, U.S.A. I don’t know what type of folks she’s used to dealing with out there in dairyland, but dreamers need a little more than a tailgate mural to impress me. (Pro Tip #752: Stickers reminding us that your Dodge is still a Dodge are unnecessary.)
5 Supersede Functionality With Aesthetics
Here’s a variation of a few of the annoying things pickup truck owners tend to do. The narrative is always the same: Must…Look…Cool. With that objective squarely in sight, truck owners bee-line toward awesomeness with a flagrant disregard for function until they get so deep into it, they realize they can’t even check their air filter without the assistance of a step stool. Sure, she looks cute opening the hood, but I hope she checked the “stepladder” option on the order sheet for that bumper. How many of these country kids actually tear their new trucks up, anyway? That Silverado has probably only ever seen a few dirt roads and a horse trailer, at best. I’d like to see what she could do at a Jeep park.
4 Making Roads Where Roads Were Lost
This is actually a very admiral quality of the pickup truck. In times of need, the ever-faithful pickup truck is always standing by, at the ready. Could this pickup truck be any more arrogant, though? It’s one thing to wear a plow for utilitarian purposes, but to show it off at SEMA is a completely different story. Sure, I’d be excited about my new plow attachment on my brand-spanking new Silverado too, but I’d probably not be pompous enough to wear it just because, and certainly not indoors.
3 Build Roads Where Roads Were None
Here’s another display of showmanship and this time, it’s permanently affixed to the chassis at the rear. This little trencher is just about as useful now as a garden shovel. But back in the day, way before Bobcats could be easily shipped to job sites (or were even in existence), they had the backhoe-pickup. If it wasn’t such a necessary evolutionary step for the truck, there would be no excuse for something like this to have ever been spared from the jaws of a car crusher. In today’s day, it’s almost as obsolete as a cassette deck. (I wouldn’t even expect an eight-track to be installed in this puppy, though.)
2 Disregard Roads Altogether
Just when you thought only Dr. Emmitt Brown was the only one that didn’t need roads to get up to 88, this guy may not be able to hit 88 mph in this configuration, but he looks more dead-set on climbing 88 feet, or more. Where some guys are content treading around in muddy puddles, this man says, "Nay." Vertical rocks are for him. The bravery of this man is outstanding, to say the least. Unless he came with a spare truck and a bigger trailer, he’d better hope he doesn’t break something important (or be prepared for an astronomical tow bill).
1 Flex More Than Just Muscles
Alas, it’s not just the diesel guys who like to cause a scene as they’re leaving Burger King at 10:30 on a Friday night; but if you had one of these, you’d probably do the same thing, just because you could! This long-travel Ford is about as beastly as they come. It sounds like it looks, too! Definitely not a daily driver I want my next door neighbor owning if he has any intention of waking up the next day. You may have already spotted it, but this is no ordinary F-Series pickup truck. The modifications extend all the way to the front sheet metal, where the width of the nose was trimmed down by a few inches because, you know…rock crawling!
Sources: Discovery, Chevelle Stuf, Diesel Sellerz, and Wards Auto.