America has a strange relationship with genitalia. Nudity or even partially exposed naughty-bits are extremely frowned upon in media or society at large, but creating rubber replicas of said genitalia and placing it on the back of a pickup? Hundred percent okay!
Well, maybe not, depending on your view. Some people see truck nuts as a deliberately obscene and something to be shamed. Florida tried to pass a law banning truck nuts in 2008, but it didn’t pass the state House. Virginia tried the same thing with similar results.
The problem is, as much as Americans hate to see testicles anywhere outside the bedroom, they just love free speech more. And apparently, hanging a pair of fake balls off the back of a pickup truck is protected by the constitution. So we have fake scrotums hanging from trailer hitches across the country.
Which is pretty much America in a nutshell.
If you want your own set, so to speak, they’re readily available. Here are a few different flavors to adorn the backside of your pickup. Or car. Or really, anything that can be improved with a pair of dangling testicles.
SEE IT NOW: $26.95
Originally, truck nuts came in a chrome finish, thus displaying the driver’s apparent testicular fortitude. That chrome finish is still the most popular way of displaying that fortitude, and it’s easy to see why.
As much as these nuts are for decoration, pickup trucks are not known to traverse well-paved streets at languid speeds. They’re known for motoring down highways or dirt-covered paths at speeds that nobody would consider safe. As such, these decorations are almost certain to impact debris from the environment at some point, and as such, it behooves the purchases to choose a material that is as rugged as the truck it adorns.
SEE IT NOW: $15.95
For those that prefer a somewhat more realistic-looking trailer-hitch ornament, truck nuts come in a flesh-colored rubber that sacrifices some durability for a more appealing shade of pink.
It should be noted that while there is certain to be some wear and tear with this material, it will never turn a different shade. The same flesh-toned rubber is used throughout this ornament’s construction, so even if a rock takes off a chunk of your balls, there will still be pink all the way through.
They also come in several different sizes, ranging from 16-inch monster balls to 2-inch keychains. This set is of the 8-inch variety, which is most suited for pickups and SUVs.
Clear Plastic LED
SEE IT NOW: $70.00
If it’s vitally important that the entire world see the awe-inspiring glory of your nuts, then look no further. These clear plastic balls are filled with flashing LEDs so that nobody will be able to take their eyes away.
These particular plastic nuts use the same light outlets as a trailer, so will light up with turn signals and braking. Otherwise, they’d be hella illegal no matter how much deez nuts are protected by free speech.
“I was worried that if I bought Truck Nuts, some people wouldn't be able to see them when I drove around at night,” writes one glowing review. “How would people know that my car is masculine and virile? Then I saw this and I can tell you, it's changed my life. Now I can drive around town and everyone knows that my car will impregnate your car if your car is in heat because there is never a time that my nuts are invisible!”
It takes a special kind of person to purchase and display truck nuts. If you’re that kind of person, all the power to you. We’re just happy to be of service.
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