It’s often said that there’s a special place in the hell for people who vandalize cars. While that may or may not be true, it is one of the single most egregious forms of property damage a lowlife can engage in these days. With more and more people who invest their identity in their rides, there’s just something overtly personal about attacking someone’s car, truck, van or SUV.
While a lot of people might think this is an American thing, particularly due to the ongoing love affair with our rides that flows like an undercurrent in American culture, it would seem that assaulting an innocent vehicle is a fairly universal crime. The victim can’t fight back – unless they’re an Autobot or Decepticon from the Transformers: Robots in Disguise franchise – and the odds of getting caught tend to be fairly low if done at night, under the cover of darkness.
Fortunately for many, the rising popularity of surveillance cameras, cell phone videos and the proliferation available through the internet means more and more vandals are getting busted these days. So, if you plan on getting revenge on an ex-lover, someone who owes you money, a business you have a beef with or you’re just randomly bat-crap crazy, you might want to look out for the all-seeing electric eye before you start your next automotive demolition endeavor. You just never who – or what – could be watching your every move.
15 Swing Batter Batter Swing!
While the everyday house or car key is the tool of choice for most common vandals, if the hate is really amping up to level ten then the would-be auto-attacker may trade in the key for a more formidable device: the baseball bat. In the proper hands a good old Louisville Slugger can cause some serious distress to the body and glass of just about any ride. For maximum results, many vandals switch over to one of the new aluminum bats filled with cork or other substances to give the bat the best potential of maximum destruction.
The downside to this level of uncontrolled anger is apparently this vandal didn’t care in the slightest that his every move was being witnessed and recorded.
Granted, allowing the level of emotion you’re experiencing to overcome your thought processes and rule your decision making isn’t exactly grounds for being labeled as “smart” or “intelligent” or even having a Forrest Gump level IQ. But, it happens to the best of us – just not nearly as often as it happens to the worst of us.
And, who knows, maybe this guy was just wildly misinformed about how you’re supposed to take off a tail lamp assembly so you can replace a burned out brake light bulb.
14 Vandalism as a Spectator Sport
Judging from this image, and many like it broadcast on international news channels across the world, when you find yourself seeking to protest any number of gripes you have with the local government, you should round up the gang, grab a random stick and vandalize some cars.
Or, we could be witnessing the birth of a new sport!
This particular participant chose to take out the rear glass first. Notice the lack of proper eye protection, which proves OSHA was not on-site and this new sport has no governing body interested in protecting the well-being of its talent. If only the NFL or NASCAR could step in and ensure this gentleman takes the necessary precautions to prevent bodily injury to himself while he’s injuring the body of this innocent Toyota. Well… it is a Yaris, a model not exactly known for inspiring fanatical love in its drivers.
Despite further research, we were unable to locate a copy of the rule book for this particular game of Bust Up The Yaris. It’s entirely unclear if the other team (is there another team?) gets to take a swing at the windshield or just how many players each side needs. It is obvious from the lack of vendors this is a sport with a big upside for merchandising. Maybe opposing automakers could even endorse the athletes' uniforms.
13 Maybe This Car Belongs to One of The Avengers?
This latest car caper occurred in the Koreatown area of Los Angeles. Jumping on the hood of a car, while on camera, wearing what could be described as an outfit designed for a super villain from a Marvel film (or maybe The Wizard of Oz) certainly might draw the attention of the Avengers, the Justice League or some other local crime fighting group.
According to ABC News in LA, the woman spent hours scrawling random letters all over the car while berating it verbally. At one point, the assailant climbed onto the hood, then the car’s roof and began jumping up and down in a fit of rage.
The entire assault was caught on surveillance video but the woman’s identity and current whereabouts remain a mystery. Maybe she’s the one who was sent according to ancient prophecy from the far-flung future to save us from the rising evil of the Buick sedan? While that’s as hard to believe as some of the lower quality disaster flicks that come out of LA, as the saying goes often times the truth is far stranger than fiction.
While the vandal’s true motive remains unclear, we can determine from her body language and posture that she wanted to exert her dominance over this domestic ride. And, did she ever.
12 Acura Arsonist
Nothing says “I hate you” like setting someone’s Acura MDX on fire. While it’s a little pedestrian when compared to the Porsche vandal (see below), the damage was probably much worse. Despite the manufacturer’s best attempts at improving automotive safety, every car, truck, van and SUV on the road is a rolling barbecue waiting for something to ignite it. Complete with a wide variety of petroleum-based fluids that readily act as accelerants, a plethora of plastic that burns rapidly and fuel system full of gasoline, it’s nothing short of amazing car fires aren’t more common.
Enter this guy: a vandal who clearly feels like keying a car, adding energy drinks to the gas tank, beating it with a bat/pipe/stick and even rubbing poo all over it just isn’t sufficient to get the message across. While most Acuras can provide reliable transportation well past the 200,000-mile mark, turning them into a sport-tuned all-wheel drive bonfire might drastically diminish their useful lifespan.
The only hope can be found in looking at how this particular Acura arsonist is attacking the sporty SUV. Hitting the base of the windshield on the driver’s side doesn’t exactly allow for maximum ignition. The only flammable liquids in that area are contained in the brake master cylinder, which is shielded from Peter Pyro here by an impact-absorbing metal hood.
11 Vandalism is Hard Work
This bit of sedan sadism was brought to us by a gang of car bangers. Unfortunately for them, this group is hardly a well-oiled machine. Apparently, the intended destruction was a tiring task for the vandal on the right, as he seems to be trying to take a nap while his partner-in-crime tries to cut off his own legs by jumping through the windshield. Further inspection reveals two other co-conspirators idling around in the background. The one to the left even seems to be enjoying a nice refreshment while his peers pound (and sleep) on the passenger car.
Taking all this in begs the following questions: If you’re just not into it, why bother engaging in the destruction of private property?
Is it really that appealing to these people to go to jail for taking a nap on the hood of a car while your pal tries to send himself to the emergency room? Surely, this wasn’t some sort of planned caper – or a childhood dream that made some teenager’s bucket list of must dos before I enter the penal system. It’s all very disturbing in the intentions, motivations and follow through. Thankfully for those of us witnessing this, we can take solace in the thought that if this is what the future holds when this generation of degenerates hands their aspirations to the next, car vandalism will be extinct in no time.
10 The ABCs of Luxury Destruction
Someone high up the story approval food chain at ABC news must have had their Bugatti assaulted as a child. While the other news outlets don’t seem to cover much in the way of auto assaults, ABC delivers again and again.
This time, it’s a single individual who out-performs the four “hard workers” above with just his skate board, cellphone and a hate-on for luxury cars. While the motives for most vandals appear to be revenge-based, this guy seems to think there’s some appeal to garnering fame from his actions. In the video footage aired by ABC 15 in Phoenix, the vandal is seen on multiple occasions using his smart-phone to take snapshots of the key induced carnage he’s inflicting on the fleet of high priced rides. At one point, he can be seen leaning back to admire his handiwork before snapping a quick pick and a selfie with the vehicle in question. Among his victims were an Aston Martin, two Ferrarris and a BMW. Since the cars belonged to a car dealership in Scottsdale, Arizona, the motive could still be based on some perceived personal affront. But, the newscaster states the owner of the dealership thinks it’s part of some sort of social media trend.
9 Back to Basics: Cheater's Revenge 101
A home security camera caught this woman scratching the paint off this brand new black Ford Mustang. The Youtube video where this still shot came from claims this was revenge for her lover cheating on her. And, just like that we’ve come back down to earth. No super-villains, start-up sports, arsonists or wanna-be social media Robin Hoods here, just plain old scorned lover syndrome.
While the actual statistics were unavailable at the time of this writing, it’s a solid bet that the first car ever keyed was owned by a cheating lover, and the majority of cars doodled on ever since were due to the same thing.
Now, there are other stereotypical motives for keying a car such as poor decisions in traffic leading to passive-aggressive fits of road rage enacted by vandals who can only work up the courage to assault a vehicle after the owner is out of sight. There’s also the old standard of keying a car due to the way its owner parked it – as if the poor car has any control over that?
But what we have here is just plain old betrayal induced rage taken out on a hot ride. Speaking of stereotypes, there’s one about a guy with a hot car who can’t seem to stay faithful, too. Bet this Mustang owner can relate.
8 Discount Tire Slasher
Another common form of assaulting an unsuspecting automobile comes by way of tire slashing. For this, you need a very sharp object, a good swing and the utter lack of decency required to filet someone’s Firestones.
Not only does this immediately cause hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars in damage since tire sidewall slicing is irreparable, it also strands the vehicle where the crime occurs. While not quite as embarrassing as driving around town with the nature of your transgressions etched into the side of your ride by your now ex-lover, tire slashing has its own additional punishment: the person the cheater is cheating with will quickly become aware of the notion someone views them as a cheater as well. Well, that is if the vandal takes the time to key that message into the side of the ride prior to slicing and dicing the Dunlops.
While we certainly don’t condone infidelity, if you simply can’t control your carnal urges, or even have the forethought to break it off with your current mate prior to engaging in your indiscretion, at last have the sense to park your car in a garage under lock and key – well not under that kind of key – um, you know what we mean.
7 Foreign Substance
While keying is the most often used method of damaging automotive paint, there’s a variety of substances one can employ to do as much – if not more – damage to the vehicle appearance. These vandals appear to be using some sort of paint or adhesive to squirt down the rear of this BMW 5-series. The report from BristolPost.com states the fluid did not damage the paint, but did harm the plastic tail lights and the license plate. The HotCars.com chemist was busy on another assignment when this article was prepared, so ascertaining just what liquid would damage taillights but not automotive paint remains a mystery.
Unfortunately for the owner of this BMW, the vandal returned a few night later with something far more likely to inflict damage on his car: a chunk of broken concrete. The perpetrator can be witnessed on the BMW owner’s CCTV feed hiding behind the bushes while he pulls the concrete debris from his jacket. He then steps into plain sight, rears back and hurls the chunk of cement through the Beemer’s back window. Most BMW owners refer to the company’s initials as "Bring My Wallet" – but in this poor fella’s case it stands for "Break My Window."
6 Smile For The Camera
Apparently, the fine folks living in Scotland can’t even park their beloved BMWs without some snot coming along and keying them. The owner of this X5 had security cameras installed on her property after someone lobbed a large rock at her luxury SUV inflicting close to $1000 in damage. While she still hasn’t the foggiest notion who hurled the mini-boulder at her Beemer, she did manage to catch the most recent vandal red-handed, brazenly assaulting the SUV while walking her dog no less. In one moment of the video, the hound hiking hurler turns and appears to smile at the surveillance camera.
The owner of the car in question uploaded the video to social media where it was viewed nearly a half million times in the first few days. Local police reportedly were on the case, but the latest info available seems to indicate this common criminal got away with it.
Maybe the X5 owner can go back to where she bought the surveillance system and purchase one of those canine training shock collar set ups, then have it modified to zap pesky vandals if they set foot anywhere near her car ever again.
5 Riots: They’re Not Just For Looting Anymore
For some unknown reason, automobiles are often the first target of a group of angry rioters. It’s unknown as to exactly why the cars become a target, maybe the chemical cocktail of hive-mind hormones and anal-adrenalin released during riot situations makes rioters perceived transportation as some tool of the devil? Without taking the time to survey hundreds of rioters who actually engaged in automotive assaults, the truth may never come to light. For the rest of us, though, there’s seemingly no end of these sorts of images and video footage available in news archives and on sites like YouTube.
While the nature of the offense might not come to light, the fact that this particular Mercedes “got what it had coming to it!” is certainly well evidenced. Perhaps the car symbolizes the haughty nature of the proletariat imperialists. Or, maybe it belongs to a certain member of the ruling party that is deserving of vile hatred. Or, more likely, the owner simply picked the wrong parking space – completely unaware that they picked “Riot Night” as opposed to “Ladies' Night” to go to the local bar to down a few brews with their co-workers.
This entry will be updated if we ever engage in riot induced auto vandalism, so we can share the real reasons why. In the meantime, it’s on to the next one.
4 Think Harder Not Smarter!
Quite like the baseball bat, but illustrating less preparation and intelligence, the vandal armed with nothing other than the thick chunk of bone above their eyes also illustrates a lack of emotional control. When someone has managed to make you so mad that you resort to using your forehead to beat on their unattended car, it might be time to take an inventory of your life and prioritize the nature of your relationship. When the desire to harm an inanimate object in order to inflict pain on another person overrules the need to not bash your skull to a bloody pulp, there might be some serious issues at play.
In fact, if you can actually relate to this vandal, we strongly encourage you to stop reading this article and immediately seek psychiatric help.
This list has detailed a wide variety of common objects nearly anyone in modern society has access to on a daily basis. From keys, to ball bats, metal pipes to knives, large sticks to fire, the options are there for the taking. But, nowhere on the list should “forehead” find its place. At least the silly guy trying to jump through the windshield had shoes and jeans on to protect his flesh. This guy here, he’s just descended from intelligent 21st century man to prehistoric cave dweller in one flick of his neck.
3 Do Blonds Really Have More Fun?
When someone takes the time to vandalize a vehicle in broad daylight in the vicinity of a major metropolis with a renowned police force, odds are they understand the risks and simply just don’t care. This then begs the question: is this particular bit of car chaos brought on for pleasure? It’s certainly a high stakes game of risk-reward, knowing the chances of getting busted are pretty high. From there, it’s easy to jump to the assumption she really doesn’t care and might just want to get caught. Maybe that little bit of attention from the owner of this ruined ride is all she really wanted?
According to the folks at abc7news.com the woman wasn’t alone and had a balding, middle aged man with her as she keyed every single body panel on the car and poured an energy drink into the gas tank.
Now, I know those energy drinks are hyped for giving people an octane boost, but something tells me this vandal wasn’t looking to improve the car's performance and fuel economy. The fact that this made it to the local news channel at all means there’s probably more to the story, but for now we’re simply stuck wondering if this blond really did have more fun.
2 Apprentice Look-Alike
While the typical targets are often the relationship cheaters – you know the ones who use their lips to tell one person they love them while using those very same lips to do something far naughtier to someone else – in this case it might be a different sort of cheater. Maybe someone who felt as if they were cheated out of a chance to apprentice for a billionaire? Or felt they got the short end of the stick on a popular TV show? Either way one thing is for sure, this vandal has some big cajones, keying this car in broad daylight.
Never one to shy from the spotlight, our impersonator walked right past this gorgeous Mercedes while dragging a key down the paint on the passenger side. If you’ve never had to have a Mercedes paint job repaired, which admittedly most have not, it’s a seriously expensive proposition. Based on how far this key went, from front fender over both right-side doors all the way to the rear quarter-panel, the owner of this ride was probably hit with a four-figure repair bill. But, maybe they can just hire someone to train to fix it on the cheap. If the newly hired apprentice can’t, simply tell them “you’re fired!” and file an insurance claim.
1 Now That’s Just Gross
Apparently in merry old England, when you get really bent at someone, instead of taking a baseball bat or a key to their fancy sports car, you could use a far smellier – and particularly disgusting – tool: your own feces. It’s a little hard to tell what model this Porsche convertible is, but it’s very easy to guess that “poop stain” wasn’t an available color choice when picking the convertible top option. Maybe the local Porsche dealer has hand bidets where this vandal can wash up after a night of fecal fun and waste wiping?
It’s entirely unclear if “Porsche Pooing” will catch on with the Darwin Award winning kids who brought us the Tide Pod Challenge, but equally inane things have happened. Surely, this guy can’t be the first to poo a Porsche? We can only pray he’ll be the last.
In the meantime, let’s hope the owner of this pearly white, poo wiped ride has the number of a great car detailer. And, if you’re in the auto detailing business in this little bit of England, when this sort of thing hits the news (like the proverbial fan), you might want to consider going on holiday to a far more hygienic region of the United Kingdom.
Sources: abc7news.com, bristolpost.com, mirror.co
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